Hi! and Welcome Back!
My name is Wylie ... and I'm your PainPAL.
Apologies for the delay since my last post; I can't believe how quickly time flows under the bridge! And of course, Happy belated Easter! Actions certainly speak louder than words, but writing words about pain, especially the pain and disability I go through, definitely gives me pause ... and it's actually been much more difficult than I'd anticipated. So I appreciate your bearing with me, and continuing to join me on this journey of life.
Thank You!
Blog 6
Living in a Quantum-like Reality
I prefer evening prayer-time to morning prayer, not that one is more preferable to another I suppose, but of course that's a choice to be made everyday. In the case of my disability, not having to live every single day wondering how much pain I'll have to deal with, and how much or how little I'll get done, begins to describe this state of Living in a Quantum-like Reality (where all possibilities exist simultaneously) ... in my case, neither permanently disabled, nor whole, healed or normal.
I'm at once feeling like a failure and yet simultaneously doing ok. I rely on God mostly because my body certainly can't be trusted, and pain meds mess with my mental state! Ugh! Mentally I ache to do things and be out and active and more productive ... just be myself, trying to be successful ... but I'm always left with trying to humbly accept this uncertain reality, while trying to fend off and ignore the feelings simmering and smoldering, of pain, discomfort, and the stubborn anger born of pride; that pride that accepts feeling ashamed, saying I'm okay, without thinking and being honest with oneself.
Only when I turn to God (with humble acceptance in prayer), do I fully let myself acknowledge and express, the hurt, the pain, the suffering (and its' effect of the loss and real grief), thoughtfully giving it to Christ and to His Cross. That's when I begin to feel the scales of discouragement and frustration, transform into a winged embraced of calm and comforting love. Comfort to keep going despite living in this Quantum-like reality. (And note, as I await more reconstructive surgery, that the first two surgeries failed ... each within three months of the start of physical therapy.) I know first-hand that healing isn't assured; though it's easy to forget, due to doctor's confident attitudes and plans, that there's no certainty of success. But I'm always left to wonder, when will my future be revealed??
Trying to enjoy the journey, whatever the day brings, it's at once cruel and interesting for me to remember the optimism I had going into those previous surgeries, hopeful and eager to regain my former role of producer and normal member of society, because at times I genuinely feel like I've lost that opportunity as the days, weeks, months and years pass. Life is change! but I keep learning, if I'm not growing, I'm atrophying, and increasingly I've come to value the success of others more profoundly than I ever did. Perhaps it's a result from Hope, or an effect of Love, regardless, I know how easy it is to lose what once seemed to be right there, and ready to happen.
It seems odd to feel like I'm living in a Quantum-like reality, and increasingly, I find it necessity to turn to God and to continue to seek and learn and find out more deeply, the great value of LOVE. How REAL, how deep and pervasive, rich and meaningful LOVE really IS, especially in Loving God, and others, and myself too! LOVE really helps!! Who knew?!! :) LOVE has continually kept me going, when the days feel bleak, when my energy is so low because of the pain or meds, or when I feel that burden of my life, heavy as an ocean-liner bearing down on me at sea ... and who can save little me??? Am I really all alone, surviving, treading each day, hoping for help???
But I'm not lost. I'm not alone. Pain and meds, hurts and tiredness cause illusion (just like someone insisting on such a thing as an 'alternative fact'). Without structure and good habits, without self-dignity and self-love, it's easy to fall into drama and gossip and doing things I know aren't right. But LOVE really is the right way to contentment. LOVE is Vital! Alive! Refreshing to my soul, our soul, the Universal Being of Unity! Yes, everyday, my contentment gets chewed at, gnawed on, and Zapped, step by step, with nearly every step of the day. Certainly, this must be a trial. But that's something common to everyone: we all have Life to Live and Go Through!
But we also have LOVE! Love wipes away self-pity like a mommy wipes away a bit of dirt from her child's face! We ALL need Love! Self-Love stands in opposition self-hate. Love creates self-acceptance, from self-judgment. LOVE reveals and heals, like the hidden force when someone smiles at me, and I feel urged to smile too. Or when I give thanks to God in gratitude, even when I'm feeling down, which forces me to remember all that's good ... so GOOD, and what I'm so Grateful for! 'Cause LOVE is a greater Power and Passion and Energy -- it simply Overcomes! Of course isn't that the trick, to wind that Loving clock within everyday, and to be mindful when the negatives begin to whisper illusions or try to strike fear! or when the body begins its assault on my energy and center and contentment?!
Life's a tough, tough gig, and with everyday I learn more and more, just how much my life requires perseverance, faith, hope and love. Oddly, and thankfully, I've finally become aware of just how easy it's been for the pain and meds to trick and manipulate me into believing I'm unworthy, unloved and even alone. But that's not true. I only allow that lie to exist if I disrespect myself, or when I don't show myself the self-love I deserve, or when I allow Pride and my ego to feign a sense of shame, and hold on to it, instead of going to God, and with humility, asking for the help and Love I need.
Living in an Age of Quantum-like Reality, can make it seem like we're trapped between the world in which we find ourselves now, and the world of the future, full of every possibility including those we hope for, dream of, and hopefully, pray for too. Yes, I pray and hope for healing, for myself, and especially for our world and for you too! We're all in this together, and each person is important and deserves respect and love.
It feels like we're racing towards something together ... be it a changing climate or technology or a change in how we treat one another. What that change is, that we're racing toward, it's our choice ... individually and collectively. Living at the edge of time and connected throughout the civilized world (and let's face it ... including the uncivilized, ignorant and uneducated --or under-educated--), I hope and pray, that together, we choose LOVE, and Choose to LOVE. Loving God and one another, as we love ourselves, are the two great commands of Christ.
I Hope we can find it within ourselves to LOVE; it's Vital, Healthy and Essential to EVERY Life.
Till next time ... God bless you and yours!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL.
Ps. Here are two of my favorite quotations:
"A life is not important, except in the impact it has on other lives."
~Jackie Robinson
"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend." ~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
