Welcome Back ... 2 years Later???

Blog 15

My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL.

Two Years later ...

At some point during my last entry, I lost confidence in myself and my reason for writing this Blog I've entitled, PainPAL.  Thus, when I wrote my next entry that December of 2018, I left it unpublished.  It still sits in my folder actually, awaiting my next move.   Ahh, blogging!

So why am I back here now?

Well, I've had my left knee replaced for one thing!  Last November 2019, as a matter of fact, the entire left knee received it's new 'metal' ... and since the surgery, of course, COVID 19 made its appearance.  YUCK!  Yuck!  YUCK!  Did I say YUCK?!!!

And yes, my recovery has totally been delayed as a result because I can't go anywhere to rehab, nor meet with a Physical Therapist either, who will assist in the rehab.  I've had to regain my movement and 120 degrees of flexion on my own.  And as anyone with a new or partially new joint will tell you ... that's the really, REALLY Painful part of the Recovery process, is regaining flexion.

I've reached 110 degrees, so I'm told (and that's good enough for the doctors ... again, so I'm told).  I can ride a bike and climb stairs slowly ... in other words I can bend the knee :)  And my restrictions are off now too!  But yes, regaining the flexion was excruciating.  But Pain is something I'm a little more used to now, than say, 20 years ago ... though I still don't always handle it well.  Then again, that IS why I'm your PainPAL ... and so?!!

Also, another milestone approaches:  this coming January is 20 YEARS since the injury of my knees.

Yeah, that's another YUCK.  For sure.  But then I wouldn't be writing this, nor would my life journey be what it is either.  It's a long story, for another time/blog though.

Just now I'd really like to welcome you back and thank you for reading this blog!!

My plans for the Blog are simple, and my Goal is really to delve into how I'm handling Chronic Pain, rather than the Pain handling me, and share that journey with you.

I'll write a PainPAL Blog again each month (hopefully -- honestly, that's even ambitious for me, because it IS difficult to confront the Pain, ie. think about it and write about it too!) ... and keep you up to date on my rehab process, etc... and how I'm handling my day to day, working with the new knee and the continued Chronic Pain (besides the Left knee replacement, I still have issues with the partially replaced Right knee of 2012, causing irregular shock waves of a sort), including my trials with exercising, diets, daily routine and habits, etc...

Ahh, Life!!  SO Wonderfully difficult isn't it?!!

We ALL know Chronic Pain sucks, but managing the Pain is Super Key.  And yet, there IS NOT a One Size Fits All, Super Chronic Pain management KEY.  You have to learn to adapt, and learn what are good questions to ask, and who are the 'right' people to ask those questions of too.  PLUS, it's super helpful to have a Support System.

I'll try to maintain an encouraging tone, but life and my journey isn't always sunshine and morning dew!  Life's more like a roller-coaster actually, and honestly, without my Faith in Jesus Christ, I wouldn't be sharing this blog with you.  So you'll also be getting a dose of Spirituality in this Blog too ... so be aware of that too!

Let me close by reminding you to VOTE.

I've already mailed in my ballot, about a week or two ago, I forget at the moment.  But as I'm sure you're aware, this is a MOST IMPORTANT Election.  I'm also going to ask you to VOTE for Joe Biden.

I'm not going to beat around the bush:  225,000 Americans are DEAD on Donald Trump's watch.  And Trump has no plan, except to let the Covid Virus ravage our country out-of-control, until there's a vaccine.  That plan will lead to Millions of Americans DYING.  I have NO Idea WHY Trump won't fight the Virus, like we fight the Wild-Fires here in California.

No one in their right mind would just let a Wild-Fire Rage and Rage without trying to control it and fight it to SAVE People Lives especially.  So then, WHY would you let a Global COVID Pandemic Rage through America Un-Controlled without trying to FIGHT IT, thereby SAVING LIVES???????????

That's WHY I ask you to VOTE for Joe Biden!     < #BidenHarris2020 >

The 2020 Election is next week Amazingly!!  I'm praying that Americans will do one another a solid, and Vote For Joe Biden!!  I'M RIDEN With BIDEN ... an I'm excited for a Future that's finally free of the Trump Lies and Drama.  That's what I'm praying for:  a RETURN to honor, honesty, integrity and civility, a FOCUS on doing what's Right for Our Country rather than one's Political Party, and a REVIVAL of our collective Vision, in choosing an America guided by the Constitution and American Values!!

We NEED to be able to Trust one another.  And I hope you'll trust in me, as I give you honest reflections in this PainPAL Blog.

Thanks so much for your support!!  Please feel free to share this blog with your friends.  Of course, word of mouth is super important ... but I only ask you to share the blog if you read something you think will be of help or inspiration to a friend or family member.  In the end, we need to Love and support one another NOW More Than Ever!!

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Thanks again for reading my Blog!  and Welcome BACK!  I'm happy you're here!

My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL.

Please feel free to comment, or contact me directly:  wylieway@gmail.com

 

Pain and Amplifiers

Blog 14

Welcome back ...
My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL!

Pain and Amplifiers

"It's all in your head"  ...  I really don't like hearing that.
As if that'll make what I'm feeling any easier to deal with, or I knew what to do to 'change my head'?!!!  No, the Pain isn't in my head, but my mind IS the processor of the signal ... yet the mind can also be an amplifier of pain instead of simply the control box.

Ugh!  Not that I enjoy talking about this pain stuff!!

Pain sucks, period!  Yet, as I've had opportunities to reflect upon my situation, I've noticed that I've let myself get overwhelmed by pain quite often, instead of learning to Master it.  I give into the Fear of Pain, and the Fear of Being in Pain -- even when I'm not actually feeling the pain signals.

But mastering pain?  There's no set of rules on how to master pain.  I did find that Mindfulness Meditation helps a lot.  But with the Pain being an external force ... outside of myself ... how I control my response to the pain signal and become more aware of the sensations of Pain, help me so I can try to take control back, instead of being ruled by the Pain everyday.

In the past for example, I'll wake up and my first thought will be about 'Pain' ... how much do I have?  Should I, can I just stay in bed?  The questions go on and on, but happen almost instantaneously!  Yet, recently I became aware of the 12 steps program that Alcoholics Anonymous uses ... the first three steps have been so key for me too!

First, admitting how powerless I am over the pain, and that it's my job to cope well, and work toward health, has been a HUGE CHANGE of Mindset for me!  Then Second and Third, giving my situation over to God,  and believing! that'll help and enable me to get better, has helped take a huge weight and uncertainty off my shoulders.  Having FAITH that I'm going to get healthy??  WOW!  Yes!  Sign me up!

The Pain Game is tough, but it's NO Longer MY Journey Alone!

For years I tried to deal with pain by myself and all I did was get depressed by isolating myself and shaming and judging myself.  I gave into every FEAR in the book too:  fear of having pain, fear of others rejection of me for being disabled, fear of not being successful, fear of being successful ... there are so many Fears, it's easy to get caught in one after the other.

Yet, thankfully, I heard somewhere that before we pass on, we'll have to FACE All Our FEARS!!  That was an eye-opener (even if not true), and I took it to heart, that I needed to Face my Fears instead of letting them overwhelm and control my life.

That's why ASKING for Help has been so KEY for me!!  It was an opportunity to change ... and where I was afraid to ask for help for a variety of reasons, now I'm including others in my life and realizing how much others actually would like to help!!!

I also had the realization that I was even afraid of getting Healthy!  I could spend pages on that, but let me say that this year, I realized that my Greatest Goal is to START to Get HEALTHY!

Getting Healthy!!??  Wow!
For so long that was a light at the end of the tunnel that I couldn't see, much less envision or imagine!  The pain wouldn't let me even believe that something like HEALTH would be possible for me.  That Changed as I began to Pray and open up about my Health.

What could I do?
Who could help me?
How do I get better?
Why do I feel so desperate and why can't I turn the page and wake up from this crazy dream?
Am I lost in this painfulness for good?
Do I need to accept this reality or can I change and get better than what I'm doing and how I'm living now?
So many questions ... so many emotions and feelings I'd squashed and tried not to address.
I had So much Fear to feel, to go through and that I needed to let go.

And How did I let go, and get through the fear??  How do I still get through it?
Two words:  FAITH and CONFIDENCE

(( and fyi, Faith and Confidence are opposite of what Pres. Trump provokes ... His MISSION is to stoke people's FEAR so they'll look to him ... and Trump LIES to assist in creating the Fear.  NOW more than Ever, we need Truth-Speakers and Peace Makers, people of integrity and honesty, who stand up to Evil and give Voice to the Need for LOVE.
Love is the great Answer to all our Problems.
--- sorry for the political commentary ))


REALITY CHECK 101

Corroboration.

Another aspect of Fear, is how much it forced me to shut down instead of SEEK answers.  I was afraid to find out what was wrong, for example.  And actually there were a lot of unconscious fears too I've had to deal with ... I got started by searching for the Truth of my situation:  what's really wrong with my knees?  Why do I have chronic pain in each knee?  What's the real problem, and how can I get better and get the problem addressed and fixed???

So I sought second opinions ...
This year I saw FIVE different surgeons to try to find out what I was facing.  Some said I needed surgery, others said Physical Therapy.  They all agreed that my situation was unique, and complex, but also difficult to be sure what the underlying problem really is.  Yet, now I'm taking a holistic approach to my health.  Now I've chosen a doctor who's helping me Identify the pain signals AND the amplifiers (what makes the pain worse, or better and why/how), and try to understand and learn about the symptoms, THEN create a TREATMENT PLAN of Action ... instead of immediately deciding to undergo surgery, which may not be the best treatment option.

Instead of being afraid of what I'm dealing with, NOW I'm acting confidently as the Quarterback of my Healthcare Team, trying to understand the complex situation, gathering information and learning and trying to form a great Treatment Plan.  My new doctor and I agreed that to try Physical Therapy first (which so far has shown very positive results), to see what we could learn through that experience, instead of jumping directly to having surgery!

(Note***  Thankfully, I've found and am working with a Doctor I trust, who spends time chatting with me <not 5 or10 mins, but 25 or 30mins>, discussing the issues and the health problem needing to be addressed.  I highly recommend searching for a doctor, meeting several, til you find one you're comfortable with.  Out of Fear, I've often just accepted the first one I find.)

CHANGE takes Time, Effort, Trial and Error ...

It's an experiment ... that's what Physical Therapy feels like to me ...  that I'm trying to CHANGE my body.  I've also discovered, that Changing my body also has to do with changing my mind.  So I'm examining my mental situation, both at home in prayer and meditation time, and with a professional psychologist too, as I try to get a better handle on following through with my Treatment Plan and reaching my Goal of getting Healthy.

Of course, as I examine my mental situation, the first thing I remember that I'm having to deal with regularly is ... Fear ... Fear and Pain are very different, but wow are both super aggravating!!!  Part of my job now in getting healthy is to continue getting better at identifying and facing my fears, especially my fear of pain and being in pain.

Over and over, FEAR creeps into my Mind everyday about feeling the pain signals.  I experience more pain because of Fear.  I place more attention to the pain and that amplifies it in my mind!
Fear is a Pain AMPLIFIER!!
So too is Depression a Pain AMPLIFIER!!
Something which makes me think more about pain and give pain more attention, is a pain amplifier unless considered thoughtfully.  Even Medications can be a Pain Amplifier!!

Learning that there are Pain Amplifiers is crazy great too, because now I can reassess what my baseline pain levels are, ie. what are my 'true' pain signals?  instead of thinking the pain is worse because that's what I'm feeling as I dread/fear the next 'flare-up' (which may not even happen).

More and more on this Pain journey, I help myself when I gain more information and learn more, gaining more knowledge, either self knowledge or knowledge about the body, like what I learned from my new Physical Therapist, who introduced me to the nature of how my leg muscles work and interact with the joints, supporting the body, plus how stronger muscles can limit pain too!

And with the routine PT Exercises, I've begun to feel a dramatic change this summer, with less knee buckling because my leg muscles have started to get stronger!  Now I have muscles 'there' to support the structure again, instead of being atrophied.

Yes I've had some muscle flare ups from the exercises too, but that's to be expected during this experimental time (and it would be weird if I didn't have any) ... yet, my past Phy Therapists didn't explain this ... I thought that the pain flare-up was from my knee joint and I was experiencing something that was compounding the problem.  Now, I'm in the process of discovering, what's really wrong with my knee ... what is the pain signal? and where is it coming from?

Instead of focusing on the pain being amplified, being concerned and fearful, now I can refocus on where the pain is originating, and how I can get Healthy!

Because I'm going to get Healthy!!


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Thanks for reading!

My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!


Hey, did you know I write music?
Check out my original songs and instrumentals here: Off Menu

Thanks for the support!
Don't forget to leave a comment below ... I appreciate your support, encouragement and sharing!

CHANGE-UP

Blog 13

My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL!

Welcome back, and thanks for your support!

Change-Up  (an expected or unexpected change in life)

Wow, October beckons!  I can't believe it.
Last year in mid October my Gall Bladder burst ... talk about a Change-Up!
But that situation taught me so much.  First, not to try to be a hero when I'm feeling sick ... I had been sick for a whole week before the Gall Bladder burst, but didn't go to the doctor.  Second, I learned just how fragile my body is, and how much more attention I need to pay to what I eat PLUS how much exercise, and what routines and 'ruts' I've fallen into.

That's what this Blog is all about:  Change Up and out of the routines and 'ruts'

We all have routines and ruts, it's part of being human.  But making a change to our habits and routines is often so, so difficult ... especially if you're like me, and deal with pain everyday (because we have to overcome Pain too!).  For years I let the disability and Chronic Pain boss me around (because it was too difficult to overcome) ...  and sometimes I didn't even realize it.

With the initial injury and disability, as time went on, from months to years, from surgery to Physical Therapy to surgery to PT, I began to let the chronic pain and disability write my life story, instead of keeping my self-confidence and Faith reinforcing my determination to get healthy.

But that's changed recently!
Perhaps in response to the Gall Bladder emergency, at the beginning of 2018, I began trying (with a lot of prayer too!) to 're-calibrate' myself to the idea:  'I'd like to get Healthy'!

First, I accepted that I wasn't sure what I was facing, and so I decided to visit five different surgeons for second opinions to try to get a better picture of what's wrong ... instead of just accepting what one doctor said, and trusting them get it right (a path which backfired with the failed implants from 2011 & 2012).  Instead, as my psychologist said, it's time to be the quarterback of my health.

Hearing what the five different surgeons thought of my situation helped me decide for myself that I needed to start physical therapy exercises if I was going to start to 'get Healthy'.  So I saw a Physical Therapist and began physical therapy with regular sets of non-weight bearing exercises.  And for a month and a half or so, began to see progress with my leg strength ...

Then ... I experienced an unexpected CHANGE-UP !

It began with an outdoor cat showing up with seven kittens!!  and my feeling compelled to act ... because last year I didn't when I saw a mom cat with her four kittens, and well ... I can do math  ;)

Thankfully and luckily, I found a professional who does TNR (trap, neuter, release) and we were able to trap the mom cat and her seven kittens.  We returned the mom, and found homes for the kittens through an adoption non-profit group.  However, once that mom and the kittens had left the area, another mom with her litter of four showed up (see picture), plus another mom cat with her single kitten.

We trapped all of them too, but when the professional told me there was no room in the shelters and the kittens needed a foster home, or we'd have to return them to the outside, for some reason, even disabled ... I volunteered to foster all five kittens.

I don't know what came over me, but that whim of a decision (talk about Change Up in life) has made a significant (and Positive) impact on my life, quality of life and activities of daily living too.

Perhaps the increased activity and feeling stronger due to the PT exercises, made me think I could do it ... perhaps it was the empathetic thought to help the kittens (and not wanting to see them have to live outside), entered into my decision making ...

But there was this challenge too:  the kittens were a little older and hence on the edge of not being able to be socialized, and I was told it was more likely I'd have to put them all back outside if I was unable to work with them.

Still I did decide to foster and it's been a rewarding experience, and an interesting Change Up for me, as I've gone FROM >> lonely, depressed and isolated feelings, the fear of doing much because of pain, the 'atrophy' of my leg muscles causing more pain due to instability of the knee ...
'Pain' was in charge of my life
to NOW >> doing daily chores and exercises, trying to prepare for surgery,
the intention of 'Getting Healthy' is now in charge of my life!

It's a new day.  And I have a new Determination.
With Faith that I'm going to Get Better, and be Healthy.
These are Mindsets I haven't had because my condition consistently got the better of me time and again, because I allowed Pain and Fear to dominate and hold power over me, dictating what I could and could not do.

Instead, there's been a Change Up of my day to day living:
accepting instead of denying ... keeping an open-mind instead of a closed one ...
trying new things, listening to others, asking for help, instead of the self-sabotaging my health (so-to-speak ... though I was often unaware) by giving into pain and fear.

Now I must stay Vigilant and keep working to Get Healthy!

Yes, everyday I have to feed the cats, clean their litter boxes, do the dishes, vacuum often, and get their food from the store too, plus play with them when I have any energy left!  But while these are daily chores that I haven't had to do for a long time, it's an important next step in the process to GETTING HEALTHY, and reclaiming the living and activity I once did without second thought.

For sure I'm happier than I was, and so far I've been successful in integrating the new chores into my daily routines, even with the chronic pain and disability.  It's funny, but seeing these cats everyday, keeps me inspired to keep pushing myself into new routines instead of giving up and giving into the pain or the fear of having more pain.  
 

It seems odd but true, that by serving these cats, I'm actually serving myself!!

Then again, it's that old story of not knowing what one can achieve until trying!

I suppose that's why I love the saying,  Dream BIG, and Dare to Fail !!


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Thanks again for reading and THANKS for your Encouragement!


Till next time ...
my name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!


Don't forget to check out my original music:  OffMenu

Chronic Pain? Now what ...

Blog 12
My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL !

Welcome Back and THANK YOU for your Support!!

>>>  If you'd like to listen to some of my original music while you read this Post ...
click here >  Off Menu

Chronic Pain?  Now what ...

So it's been three months since my last post?  Whoa-Wow time goes by quick.  Unreal.

Let me catch up with what I've been learning and going through:

I've healed up from my emergency Gall Bladder surgery (thankfully) and really learned a great deal from the experience, especially when it comes to giving me a different experience to compare my knee pain to.  For example, I've recognized that my knee pain isn't nearly as bad as when my Gall Bladder BURST!!!  (hence emergency surgery)  With this recognition, I began to reconsider why Chronic Pain is SO Difficult to deal with.

After surgery, because I was healing in bed and didn't get up at all for almost a month (thankfully I had neighborly support with food and emptying the urinal), my knees weren't yelling at me, and driving me crazy with pain.  In fact I nearly stopped taking all the pain medication ---yippee right?!--- except that as my abdomen got better and I started moving around getting out of bed, the weight bearing knee PAIN began again ... with each day getting worse as I did more and more activity.

Really, I think Pain is a sort of torture.

In fact, I think Pain is a trauma to the mind.

Yes I can handle pain for a time, before going crazy, but because literally PAIN is relative to each individual, it's hard for others and for myself to evaluate how and if we're handling the pain well or not.  And as far as medicine goes, and pain management goes (and I have 17 YEARS of experience), we still haven't figured out how to objectify pain other than the 1 to 10 interval.

AND Because Pain is subjective, Pain is hard to treat! as well as hard to understand too.

It's difficult for others to understand (sometime it's difficult for me to understand too!) what I'm going through, or be able to relate to it, or empathize with what I'm going through, especially because I have a different experience each and every day ... hence 'CHRONIC Pain'!

Chronic pain is even more difficult to handle and deal with myself ... and I think it's because of FEAR.


Now some six months after the emergency Gall Bladder surgery, I'm VERY Focused on my knees again and the pain I get when walking, standing, etc...  I'm recognizing how each knee offers a different type of pain, and I've learned much more about trauma and fear and how much they're interrelated.  

A good example is my first fender-bender years ago, and how much I did NOT want to drive the next day because of fear.  I recognized that's why we hear the phrase:  'get back up on the horse again' ... because it's important to overcome that fear right away instead of letting that trauma of getting thrown from the horse, affect us to the point of making us fearful of getting back on!




How does that relate to my situation and my Chronic Pain condition?

EVERYDAY I've got to overcome the pain trauma (however big or small) and hence FEAR of THAT PAIN.  The fear of Pain can be subtle, even sub-conscious, and sometimes it hits like a ton and immobilizes me and I can't contribute at all or be productive ... in fact often I search out DISTRACTIONS.

For me, the Pain I feel when I stand up, when I brush my teeth, take a shower, wash the dishes, vacuum, check the mail, etc. etc., is a trauma that occurs with such regularity, that 'getting back up on the horse', stops working ... and as such, life feels like it's a torture, and fear sets in.  I fear taking a shower.  I hate to do the dishes much less cook for myself.  On and on it goes.

I don't want to admit this, but it's true.
Life sucks ... BUT (and here's where everyone has to deal with their own life situation, their own choices, their own faith and hope and love) ... because I recognize my own self-worth, because I care about myself, because I love myself, because I have Faith and Love God too ... I refuse to give up.

AND This is where the rubber meets the road.  Every bleeping day.

Yes, some days I do give in ... I don't do all that I had planned to get done.  I stay in bed all day with my legs up, I eat poorly, don't do my exercises, etc. etc ... but that's the challenge of Chronic Pain ... to never give up ... to keep going!!


Chronic Pain?  Now what ...

One thing I think I've figured out that will give my body the best chance to get HEALTHY after surgery is to do a few months of Physical Therapy BEFORE Surgery!

That's what I'm doing now ... physical therapy each day.
Exercises each day.
Staying committed.
Keeping going.
Finding and choosing to work with Doctors who take time to discuss my condition and
how I can get HEALTHY!  That's my CHALLENGE!  And a challenge means success is NOT assured .... but I'm going for it.

The Gall Bladder emergency surgery taught me I only have this one body and I can and need to do better, taking CARE of myself and MY Body!!  (Oddly enough, we need to do better taking Care of our Planet:  we only have this one planet!)

To do that, I need to LEARN HOW to do better taking care of my Body 
AND
I need to DO BETTER Taking Care of my Body 
through Exercise, Diet, Mindfulness, Meditation, Prayer, Love, Productivity, and did I mention Exercise!   :)

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Thanks again for your support!

Til next time ...
My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL ! 

The Pain Chronicles, VOL 2 part 1

The Pain Chronicles, VOL 2  part 1

Blog 11

Welcome Back!

My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL!

__________________________________________________

Well, you're not going to BELIEVE what happened to me ... (talk about your Pain Pal!  Ugh!)

It's taken me five months to really feel like I'm getting back to normal, plus process the events enough in order to write down what happened and share them.  It's actually sort of  perfect for PainPAL since PainPAL is a Blog dealing with Pain in its variety of forms ... and well, I just experienced some of the worst pain imaginable and I'm not exaggerating.

You may have noticed that there was a good stretch of time between my Oct 2 post and my post on Feb 4 ... there's a good reason for that:  it's because I had Emergency GallBladder Removal Surgery on Oct 16.  Actually I spent three full days in the Hospital, plus the trip by Ambulance to the ER, arriving around 8pm on Oct. 14, finally being released on or around 5pm on Oct. 17.

I still can't quite believe that my GallBladder burst!  (Sadly the tests the hospital did, did not pick that up, and the doctors discovered it DURING surgery!)  It's a DOOZY (and I mean a real F-in DOOZY!) of a story!  And I figure writing about it may help someone, and that's my purpose for writing PainPAL:  if I can help even one person, then the project is worth it.  In this case, the first thing I learned from my experience, was when you feel sick for longer than 48hrs, and pain is involved, don't try to be a hero, GO SEE a Doctor!!!  I didn't, and the Gall Bladder Burst!  (I had over three full days of warning.)

Now, if you reference my Pain Chronicles, VOL 1 blog, I said 'a Storm can change everything' ... well I wasn't just thinking about all the storms we've had this last year, the three major hurricanes, and the unbelievable 'Fire-Storms' we had in Napa and Sonoma, and also in Southern California.  I was thinking of a Storm as a metaphor.  Certainly my knee injuries have changed my life, but now, also, my Gall Bladder experience is Life Changing!

Ok ... So what happened?!!
Well, it started on a Tuesday evening when I asked two friends to help me move my apartment around (being disabled, I have to ask for help ... that's another big lesson too:  Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help!!), mainly moving my bed closer to both the kitchen and the bathroom so I could be as close to both as possible while being 'laid up' (post-op) for ~3 months ... and the bed works best.

After they left, however, I started getting sick.  Vomiting and overall feeling yucky.  And my stomach hurt, (really hurt) which I thought was just because/related to the vomiting.  That was on a Tuesday evening.  I had to scrap all my plans Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (it was supposed to be a huge week of appointments and getting things done) because my stomach still hurt and I kept sleeping a lot.  I thought maybe it was food poisoning or the flu, but an intelligent person, i.e. not an idiot like me, would have gone to see the doctor.

Now one thing I know is that I'm still working on my ego and pride, but unfortunately I tried to gut it out ... horrible pun I know ... but given what you're about to hear, I get to use it.  Anyway, on Saturday, I was feeling a little better, and so decided to finally try some real food (I'd just been drinking fluids since Tues eve).  I tried some chicken and rice soup, but ate mostly just the broth, and not a lot, but enough because I thought I was turning a corner.  Usually when I get sick, I get really sick, so I was thinking this was one of those times (I couldn't have been More WRONG!!!!).  After a few bites, I found myself ready for another nap, around 5 or 6pm or so (I had been taking a LOT of those for the past few days) ... and THEN  (pretend to hear sirens here!!!)
I awoke with a start ... with HORRIBLE LEVEL 10 Pain in my abdomen ... the PAIN on the right side.

Now, I don't wake up very well or smoothly in the first place, but I've awoken to my Knee Pain Many, MANY times.  This was NOT like that at all!  This is what I'd call horribly ACUTE PAIN in my abdomen.  It was so Bad that I was taking very shallow, short, and quick breaths.  And with the disorientation, I didn't know what to think either.

My theory is this:  With Pain, the fight or flight instinct kicks in.  But what's worse, is that the PAIN is INSIDE the Body!!  So the mind has to get involved and overcome the emotional crazy-ville.  Right then, I had no idea why the pain was so acute.  At first I thought maybe it was a burst appendix.  Also, even though my body was SCREAMING and I was literally moaning and groaning, I thought about trying to hang on and just trying to get through it, hoping it would pass, but then I thought about how SIGNIFICANT THE PAIN WAS, and decided I was probably really in some trouble, and NEEDED to get to see a doctor.

But there was NO WAY I could drive myself to the ER.

So THEN of course I found myself debating about whether to call a friend or calling an Ambulance (which I'd never done before).  You see that's another of the lessons from this:  I need to treat myself like I treat others.  I'd have called an Ambulance for a friend or family member or even a stranger if they were hearing the sounds my mouth kept uttering without my approval (I mean it was surreal ... actually I'm pretty sure it's called delirium ... which happens when you reach Level 10 for any length of time ... and, well, my mouth would not shut up:  I literally had no control of the strange noises of pain that I was making!!).

Finally I decided to call 911 for the Ambulance (but wow, I had no idea the ride would be so bumpy -- and SO NOT Helpful being on my back, my belly throbbing like a jack-hammer, and my mouth acting like the echo-chamber of a horror movie ... well, hopefully you get the idea).  In about 30 mins (of agony) they finally showed up (which unbeknownst to me, really would be a foretaste of the delays and patience I'd need going forward).  Thankfully we arrived at the ER, where, thankfully the ER doctor upped the pain medication that had been started in the Ambulance.

After my admittance to the ER, the doctors had to figure out what was wrong!
1st was the CT scan.  Now I was just guessing it was Appendix related, but the CT scan read that it was the Gall Bladder  (sadly, what it didn't tell the doctors was that the Gall Bladder was RUPTURED ... hence the LEVEL 10 PAIN!!!).

Thankfully, the ER kept my pain levels around 5 to 6, and the doctor explained I needed my Gall Bladder removed -- that it was a common procedure and that likely I'd have surgery by 8am the next morning (Sunday).  Since it was approaching Midnight, at that point, the decision was made to admit me to the Hospital.


End  The Pain Chronicles, VOL 2  part 1
>> I'll have part 2 ready soon (hopefully).  Key highlights/low-points;)  16 hours straight LEVEL 10 pain;  Surgery;  going home!;  two months recovery + ....


Thank you so much for all your support and reading my PainPAL Blog.

My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL!

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Be the Change You'd Like to See in the World.

Blog 10

Welcome back!

My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!

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We've arrived in 2018 and wow! sometimes it's too hard to believe ... time just doesn't stop!  The thing is, with Chronic Pain and Disability, it's is SO IMPORTANT that we don't stop either.  

Speaking for myself, when I get in the habit of resting for too long, my momentum ceases, and it's so difficult to get going again.  It takes desire, willpower, choice and so much more, to overcome FEAR! and keep going, keep moving forward. There's always that fear of what's next, but worse, that fear of pain hiding like a shadow.  It's only in my mind, sure, but that's what so, so tough, noticing it, challenging it and telling it to get thee behind.

You see in my circumstance, with my Disability and Chronic Pain, I can walk a little while, sometimes a whole block before my knee/s give out ... and then there are big consequences ... like feeling the knife, the saw, the ice pick.  But for a little while, they've yet to be brought out.  There's a little hope that I can do something without feeling that 'gravity of the situation' HIT me.  Again.  and AGAIN.  AND AGAIN!!

But that's the FEAR, the fear of THAT Pain which hangs over me everyday.  The fear of THAT PAIN, is like a cloud waiting to burst above me, but there isn't rain, no ... it's THE Lightning BOLT that lashes my knees when I've stood too long or walked too far.  And damn it hurts.

So I spend a lot of time in bed with my legs up.  I design jewelry, I watch TV, I get on the computer, read, sleep, rest.
But LIFE's A TEST:  each day we get to choose what we do, and then before bed (or not) we can examine how our day went and whether or not to make changes tomorrow.

I've noticed how unique we are in this amazing Universe where the Laws of Physics are so reliable.  Each day the Sun comes up and each night the Sun disappears.  But for us (for those healthy and FREE), for each and every human being, we have the choice of what we're going to do, when we sleep, eat, work, play, exercise, practice, etc. etc. etc.

After my visit home for Christmas, I found it hard to readjust to my routine.  I missed home.  I missed my folks.  But also I missed the activities together.  Back here in California, I don't have anyone to help me through the days.  The days get so daunting when the future just looks like a haze of pain killers and 'Pain - Lightning' ... the Fear sometimes triumphs and I don't get up.  I don't keep moving.

I don't keep going.  I get stuck.  I stay stuck.

That's the Change I'd Like to See in the World for 2018  ...  I'd like to get going!
I need to get GOING!
I need to get back to exercising, get back to caring about myself and my health, and stop being scared about pain.  Yes, it feels like torture ... drip, drip, drip, day in, day out, pain, pain, pain, drip, drip, never ending f***ing drip.

NO.  STOP.  Stop thinking about it.
I've got to just let it run through me, NOT CONSUME Me.
Let it run through me.
(Why do we get stuck on some emotions & fears anyway?)

When it consumes me I get caught.
I get stuck.
I don't keep going forward, with my guard up, with my smile on, with my enthusiasm rocking ...
momentum knocking down the road-blocks in my way.

I've got to envision what's my Way ... WHAT IS My WAY?!
How am I going to be the change I'd like to see?
How am I ... Going to BE?

I've got to do better at honoring my journey and myself ... being and Doing Right BY myself ... for myself and for others, for my family, friends and especially for God.

Each day offers so many choices of how I'm going to live it.

I've got to forgive myself, let go of that past and then:
Be the Change I'd Like to See in the World.
I can envision what that looks like ...

I hope you'll consider, and envision:
what does your best self look like to you?

----------

Till next time ...
Thanks for you support!

My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!


Don't forget to support my "Off Menu" musical endeavors at:
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The Pain Chronicles, Vol 1

Blog 9

Welcome back!

My name is Wylie and I’m your PainPAL

Thanks for checking out my Blog and Reading about my experiences related to #ChronicPain, #Disability, #Depression, Activities of Daily Living and Quality of Life.  Today, I’m introducing a new #PainPAL #Blog #series called,
“The Pain Chronicles”

I hope ‘Pain Chronicles’ gives you some insights into the specifics of what I go through each day, how I handle the adversity and suffering, plus the ways in which I’ve changed my life in order to cope with the disability and the situations now.  Disability’s offered a LOT of opportunities for me to try and make changes in my life, but only recently did I discover that to be a ‘silver lining’.


The Pain Chronicles, Vol.1  ...  by Wylie Linquist
"Searching Within, and the Eye of the Storm: 
Observing the effects of chronic pain and disability in my life."

A Storm Can CHANGE EVERYTHING Around You;
my injury in 2001 did the same.

Initially I didn’t deal well with the resulting disability.  I didn’t know how.  The doctors said it was a temporary disability and that with surgery to repair both of my knees, I get better and perhaps even be able to resume my jewelry career.  Looking back nearly 17 years later, it’s easy to see their forecast wasn’t close to correct.

Back then, at 26, I thought I was a pretty good problem solver too, and thought I could handle whatever situations were thrown to me.  By way of example:  I had after all, graduated from the University of Wisconsin at Madison with a degree in Geography (the mother of all sciences), and during school had worked part-time in the Water Resources department of the Wisconsin Geological and Natural History Survey.  My biggest project was quite a challenge of detective work and problem solving, including checking the location of every water well ever drilled in Dane County Wisconsin (including Madison, the Capital of Wisconsin).

Records of ever single well are kept at the Wis. Geological Survey, available to the public by request.  Double checking the location of each report, though considerable in number, turned out to be VERY important, given well-drillers frequently entered an incorrect location on the report.  Pre-GPS (Global Positioning Satellite) and before the age of computers and Google telling us within a foot of, sometimes I had reports with well locations miles off or even townships.  And in 1995 and 1996, when I was doing this huge project, I wasn’t using a computer either!!  Tasked with problem solving locations, I used street addresses, township maps, plat-books, and maps showing the history of who owned each parcel or acreage of land!

With a minor/emphasis at UW of People and Environment Interaction, this was fascinating to see, how mapping and scientific studies could show our interaction, and how WE ARE Changing the face of the Earth.  With water wells, I realized the importance of getting a correct location for the report.  This ACCURACY is crucial, given ALL the Geologic information (like a history of the Earth at that spot!) drillers include within the report.  For the purposes of geologic studies, especially for ground-water studies, the well reports were used to create maps showing local impact of land use.  With these maps we can see how human interaction impacts our groundwater!  In this case, taken ALL together, mapping helps scientists show for example, how pesticide contamination moves in our groundwater.  It's a little like weather forecasting, now Hydro-Geologists can forecast what areas, and water wells may be affected by pesticide-contaminated water.

In 1996, my final project at the Geological Survey was the measurement (with time) of the actual flow of the groundwater in Door County Wisconsin.  I won’t go into the measurement techniques, but it’s interesting to see how science continues to improve its measure of man’s interactions and impact on the Earth.  What’s really cool these days, is the discovery that scientists can use satellites (especially looking in infrared) to look and take pictures of the Earth (check out the Science Channel TV show ‘What on Earth?’).  It’s critically important to continue learning how we interact, plus what the consequences are, of our Choices, upon other people, and upon ourselves too!

With those ideas of interaction and problem solving as a background, let me begin my ‘search within’:  observing and learning the effects of disability and chronic pain, on myself and in my life.  Indeed, my quality of life changed with the injury in 2001, but I didn’t really understand HOW Dramatic a change it was, until I began to examine the change I measured in my Activities of Daily Living (known as ADL).  One measure of your ADL that you may immediately take note of, is the measurement of your steps per day, if you have an iPhone.

Initially however, when I look back, I remember the difficulty of looking within;  it started with trying to be honest with myself.  That was difficult to say the least, because I felt embarrassed about my situation.  Here I am, a young guy, ready to make a difference.  Now the rug's been sweep from beneath me.  I suppose no one likes to look at the bad things about themselves, but what's far worse than a zit on your forehead (that’s on the outside), is what's within: whatever that bad thing is, usually houses emotional baggage.

For me, it was in the Grieving were I faced some of the BIGGEST emotional challenges.  Yet I didn’t start to face anything for several years.  ‘Denial’ had me on lock-down for at least five or six years, partly because I thought I’d be getting better sooner rather than … 15+ years later??   But it was also difficult to grieve because I wasn’t sure WHAT to grieve about.  Do I grieve about how much pain I’m in?  Do I grieve about losing my job and not being able to work everyday?  Do I grieve because I can’t make any money, and I live in poverty, and can’t go buy things I’d like to have, or just go to a ballgame or cool concert each month?  Do I grieve because I can’t go out, and hang out like I used to … go to parties, meet and have fun with women, and go on normal dates?  Do I grieve because no one seems to care about how bad life feels right now??

I’ve lost my MOBILITY!!
I can’t run, or bike, or play baseball or basketball or GOLF!!!  I can’t go skiing or go sailing, I can’t even walk around Lake Merritt like a normal person.  Is that what I need to grieve about???  Maybe I need to grieve about all of it, and remember I wasn’t prepared for what had happened to me.  That it wasn’t my fault.  That I’d find a way to get through it, by the Grace of God.  But for those first handful of years, I Was Lost!  and I Was Broken (I’m still broken, but I’m much more spiritually and mentally whole than I was at the start of the disability — if that makes any sense) … that’s what I kept thinking anyway … and it really wasn’t helpful.  With that ever-present/persistent Lost-ness, Broken-ness feeling, sort of following me from dawn to dust, from wake up to sleep, I began to experience the worst Depression I’d ever experienced.

During the first few years of disability, looking back, I see that I didn’t care.  I didn’t really know ‘How to Care’ either.  I also didn’t know how to ‘Love’, myself, my knees, my body, mind and spirit.  I had no real self-respect.  I was angry, and I was so mad at being hurt.  Day after day, it never got better and often the pain would just gnaw at me till I took another pill.  That was the ‘messy’ part of what I was experiencing:  I didn’t know how to understand the pain.  Sometimes there were pain-spasms, sometimes gnawing-pain, other times locking-pain, stabbing-pain, serrated-pain and sometimes the knee would ‘give-way’.

Oddly, each knee was different too, in the quality, frequency and duration of the pain.  Everyone, doctors included, called them ‘knees’, but they’re not ‘knees’;  they’re the ‘left knee’ and the ‘right knee’.  It didn’t dawn on me till years later, that I needed to do a better job of identifying each knee and the pain that each was going through.  Thankfully, with the help of a psychologist and the pain management doctor, I began to ask better questions, and start getting involved in the learning process, and the healing process, instead of covering my eyes and hiding my head in the sand, and not caring.

17 years of pain, suffering and taking pain medication, have taught me, that the #crisis #America faces isn’t an #Opioid crisis, it’s a Communication Crisis, this one is between doctor and patient.  #Patients and #Doctors don’t know how to communicate with each other about the Pain! nor the singular/individual situations the patient finds themselves in.  Truth is, there isn’t a ‘One size fits all’ prescription that the Doctor can use.  And believe me, MANY Have Tried!

However, what has WORKED FOR ME, is to include the additional treatment of a #Psychologist, along with the #PainManagement Doctor.  In fact, if every patient currently being seen by a Doctor prescribing opioids, also had to be seen each week or every other week, by a Licensed Psychologist, I think patients would see dramatic benefits.

When I first was seen by a Pain Management Doctor, I didn’t know HOW to take care of my HURT SELF!!  I didn’t know that part of the Healing I needed was to start going through grieving.  The Pain Doctor instead gave me pain medications, then anti-depressants.  Only after I started making BIG mistakes in life, tangible evidence I was acting irresponsibly:  not as an addict, but the side effects of the pain meds and anti-depressants, were changing my ability to make reasonable decisions, did the Pain Management Doctor prescribe treatment with a Psychologist.

What a difference this made to me!!!  It’s EASY to See WHY:  simply the fact that I spent 30 to 45 minutes with the Psychologist, whereas I’d only spend 5 to 10 minutes with the Pain Management Doctor, drives home the importance of spending time with a Doctor who can ask appropriate questions and make sure I receive appropriate help.  In the care of the Psychologist, I started to get involved with my healing process, precisely because I HAD SOMEONE TO SPEAK WITH REGULARLY!!!  With PAIN, Ignorance is NOT BLISS!!!

I began to learn more about why the pain was happening, and with both doctors help, the three of us put together a ‘COPING’ plan.  I hadn’t a clue how to cope with pain after the injury happened in 2001.  In fact it literally took years to learn what coping meant, plus what I could try that might help in coping … and that was at the direction of the Psychologist, not the Pain Management Doctor.

Sadly, that’s been part of the legacy of my disability:  it’s been an experiment, not just an experience.  The Pain Doctor wasn’t concerned about managing my pain, they seemed more interested in getting me in and out, giving me my medications refill, and my next appointment.  I probably averaged 5minutes a visit.  Where as, visiting a Psychologist always is a 30min to 45min session, and we can cover a lot in that time!

It’s my time with the Psychologist that helped me begin the “Search Within — trying to Find and Understand Self Healing”.  I’ve had to experiment and try a lot of different things, from multiple kinds of pain medications, to mindfulness ‘meditation’, to medical marijuana and CBD, to many different types of exercises and trying to eat more healthy.  But I reached a new plateau when I finally acknowledged that My Body Is HURT.  (In fact, that makes me emotional just typing that right now!)  In PAIN, my mind is caught, trapped between feeling pain, and wanting to escape the pain.  Thankfully, the gift of Faith has kept me going, staying positive, and not giving up.

It’s been a combination of my Attitude, and my problem solving skills (like those I’ve mentioned above) that have helped too, as I recently came up with, and am trying to implement a ‘coping plan’ of consecutive days of Rest, including USING Ice EVERY DAY to help lessen inflammation, using my wheelchair and scooter more often, continue to see the Psychologist, Pain Management Doctors, PLUS continue to Exercise, go to Church each week and Pray regularly.  But it was the Exercise, and going to Church, which rescued me from Depression.

Because I have to leave the apartment to go, and while I’m not interested in talking with other people, it’s helpful just being around others, especially feeling the energy they have, PLUS getting outside to feel the sun too!!  This really helped me to draw in new breath.  Worshiping and praying at Church inspired me, and the energy of exercise reinvigorated me physically.
 
BUT ... Depression would smother me against the ropes, and it’d make me consider the ease of wanting to throw it all away.  It’d force me to drink from the well of despair, and then add insults to my injury.

The depression and despair was tough to swallow because there was no caring, no love, no future, no light, rather, anything positive would be driven from my sight, as depression would leave me feeling lost after demeaning my entire life experience.

Hope had no power.  Faith, my only lifeline to Love.  In a world of Billions, I felt alone, Suffocating in the knowledge I Wasn’t Worth Anyone’s Time or Care.  Only THAT Pain Cared about me.  Only THAT Pain was There FOR Me.

There was no other presence I could see — all I could feel was the judgment of the Pain;  the daily torture of Pain that I didn’t know how to overcome.  The storm happened everyday, but couldn’t I escape?  NO, that was a struggle, a battle I didn’t even know how to fight.

 
I Held on to the Lifeline of Faith Through it All!
The DARK-NIGHT of the Soul . . . 
THAT GREATEST of STORMS, NEVER seeming to CEASE,
HAD, somehow Passed . . .

And then, with each passing day I’ve claimed a little more of the lifeline.  Prayer, and going to Church, would renew my strength, and THEN, I began to marvel, because I could see the Goodness I discovered within others, especially once I realized it was ok, and good to ask them for help.  It was in the midst of Depression when I recognized I was holding on, with all my heart, to Faith’s lifeline, that I discovered my self-worth:
(a small epiphany) … God gave me Faith, I must be Worth something !!!

Since then, I’ve held fast to that kernel of Self-Worth ...


Thanks for reading!

My name is Wylie, and I’m your PainPAL


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I’m hoping to sing at an Open Mic soon …
If you’re in the Bay Area and would like to go, contact me by email:  wylieway@yahoo.com
 
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