The Pain Chronicles, VOL 2 part 1
Blog 11
Welcome Back!
My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL!
__________________________________________________
Well, you're not going to BELIEVE what happened to me ... (talk about your Pain Pal! Ugh!)
It's taken me five months to really feel like I'm getting back to normal, plus process the events enough in order to write down what happened and share them. It's actually sort of perfect for PainPAL since PainPAL is a Blog dealing with Pain in its variety of forms ... and well, I just experienced some of the worst pain imaginable and I'm not exaggerating.
You may have noticed that there was a good stretch of time between my Oct 2 post and my post on Feb 4 ... there's a good reason for that: it's because I had Emergency GallBladder Removal Surgery on Oct 16. Actually I spent three full days in the Hospital, plus the trip by Ambulance to the ER, arriving around 8pm on Oct. 14, finally being released on or around 5pm on Oct. 17.
I still can't quite believe that my GallBladder burst! (Sadly the tests the hospital did, did not pick that up, and the doctors discovered it DURING surgery!) It's a DOOZY (and I mean a real F-in DOOZY!) of a story! And I figure writing about it may help someone, and that's my purpose for writing PainPAL: if I can help even one person, then the project is worth it. In this case, the first thing I learned from my experience, was when you feel sick for longer than 48hrs, and pain is involved, don't try to be a hero, GO SEE a Doctor!!! I didn't, and the Gall Bladder Burst! (I had over three full days of warning.)
Now, if you reference my Pain Chronicles, VOL 1 blog, I said 'a Storm can change everything' ... well I wasn't just thinking about all the storms we've had this last year, the three major hurricanes, and the unbelievable 'Fire-Storms' we had in Napa and Sonoma, and also in Southern California. I was thinking of a Storm as a metaphor. Certainly my knee injuries have changed my life, but now, also, my Gall Bladder experience is Life Changing!
Ok ... So what happened?!!
Well, it started on a Tuesday evening when I asked two friends to help me move my apartment around (being disabled, I have to ask for help ... that's another big lesson too: Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help!!), mainly moving my bed closer to both the kitchen and the bathroom so I could be as close to both as possible while being 'laid up' (post-op) for ~3 months ... and the bed works best.
After they left, however, I started getting sick. Vomiting and overall feeling yucky. And my stomach hurt, (really hurt) which I thought was just because/related to the vomiting. That was on a Tuesday evening. I had to scrap all my plans Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (it was supposed to be a huge week of appointments and getting things done) because my stomach still hurt and I kept sleeping a lot. I thought maybe it was food poisoning or the flu, but an intelligent person, i.e. not an idiot like me, would have gone to see the doctor.
Now one thing I know is that I'm still working on my ego and pride, but unfortunately I tried to gut it out ... horrible pun I know ... but given what you're about to hear, I get to use it. Anyway, on Saturday, I was feeling a little better, and so decided to finally try some real food (I'd just been drinking fluids since Tues eve). I tried some chicken and rice soup, but ate mostly just the broth, and not a lot, but enough because I thought I was turning a corner. Usually when I get sick, I get really sick, so I was thinking this was one of those times (I couldn't have been More WRONG!!!!). After a few bites, I found myself ready for another nap, around 5 or 6pm or so (I had been taking a LOT of those for the past few days) ... and THEN (pretend to hear sirens here!!!)
I awoke with a start ... with HORRIBLE LEVEL 10 Pain in my abdomen ... the PAIN on the right side.
Now, I don't wake up very well or smoothly in the first place, but I've awoken to my Knee Pain Many, MANY times. This was NOT like that at all! This is what I'd call horribly ACUTE PAIN in my abdomen. It was so Bad that I was taking very shallow, short, and quick breaths. And with the disorientation, I didn't know what to think either.
My theory is this: With Pain, the fight or flight instinct kicks in. But what's worse, is that the PAIN is INSIDE the Body!! So the mind has to get involved and overcome the emotional crazy-ville. Right then, I had no idea why the pain was so acute. At first I thought maybe it was a burst appendix. Also, even though my body was SCREAMING and I was literally moaning and groaning, I thought about trying to hang on and just trying to get through it, hoping it would pass, but then I thought about how SIGNIFICANT THE PAIN WAS, and decided I was probably really in some trouble, and NEEDED to get to see a doctor.
But there was NO WAY I could drive myself to the ER.
So THEN of course I found myself debating about whether to call a friend or calling an Ambulance (which I'd never done before). You see that's another of the lessons from this: I need to treat myself like I treat others. I'd have called an Ambulance for a friend or family member or even a stranger if they were hearing the sounds my mouth kept uttering without my approval (I mean it was surreal ... actually I'm pretty sure it's called delirium ... which happens when you reach Level 10 for any length of time ... and, well, my mouth would not shut up: I literally had no control of the strange noises of pain that I was making!!).
Finally I decided to call 911 for the Ambulance (but wow, I had no idea the ride would be so bumpy -- and SO NOT Helpful being on my back, my belly throbbing like a jack-hammer, and my mouth acting like the echo-chamber of a horror movie ... well, hopefully you get the idea). In about 30 mins (of agony) they finally showed up (which unbeknownst to me, really would be a foretaste of the delays and patience I'd need going forward). Thankfully we arrived at the ER, where, thankfully the ER doctor upped the pain medication that had been started in the Ambulance.
After my admittance to the ER, the doctors had to figure out what was wrong!
1st was the CT scan. Now I was just guessing it was Appendix related, but the CT scan read that it was the Gall Bladder (sadly, what it didn't tell the doctors was that the Gall Bladder was RUPTURED ... hence the LEVEL 10 PAIN!!!).
Thankfully, the ER kept my pain levels around 5 to 6, and the doctor explained I needed my Gall Bladder removed -- that it was a common procedure and that likely I'd have surgery by 8am the next morning (Sunday). Since it was approaching Midnight, at that point, the decision was made to admit me to the Hospital.
End The Pain Chronicles, VOL 2 part 1
>> I'll have part 2 ready soon (hopefully). Key highlights/low-points;) 16 hours straight LEVEL 10 pain; Surgery; going home!; two months recovery + ....
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My name is Wylie and I'm your PainPAL!
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Saturday, March 10, 2018
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Be the Change You'd Like to See in the World.
Blog 10
Welcome back!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!
----------
We've arrived in 2018 and wow! sometimes it's too hard to believe ... time just doesn't stop! The thing is, with Chronic Pain and Disability, it's is SO IMPORTANT that we don't stop either.
Speaking for myself, when I get in the habit of resting for too long, my momentum ceases, and it's so difficult to get going again. It takes desire, willpower, choice and so much more, to overcome FEAR! and keep going, keep moving forward. There's always that fear of what's next, but worse, that fear of pain hiding like a shadow. It's only in my mind, sure, but that's what so, so tough, noticing it, challenging it and telling it to get thee behind.
You see in my circumstance, with my Disability and Chronic Pain, I can walk a little while, sometimes a whole block before my knee/s give out ... and then there are big consequences ... like feeling the knife, the saw, the ice pick. But for a little while, they've yet to be brought out. There's a little hope that I can do something without feeling that 'gravity of the situation' HIT me. Again. and AGAIN. AND AGAIN!!
But that's the FEAR, the fear of THAT Pain which hangs over me everyday. The fear of THAT PAIN, is like a cloud waiting to burst above me, but there isn't rain, no ... it's THE Lightning BOLT that lashes my knees when I've stood too long or walked too far. And damn it hurts.
So I spend a lot of time in bed with my legs up. I design jewelry, I watch TV, I get on the computer, read, sleep, rest.
But LIFE's A TEST: each day we get to choose what we do, and then before bed (or not) we can examine how our day went and whether or not to make changes tomorrow.
I've noticed how unique we are in this amazing Universe where the Laws of Physics are so reliable. Each day the Sun comes up and each night the Sun disappears. But for us (for those healthy and FREE), for each and every human being, we have the choice of what we're going to do, when we sleep, eat, work, play, exercise, practice, etc. etc. etc.
After my visit home for Christmas, I found it hard to readjust to my routine. I missed home. I missed my folks. But also I missed the activities together. Back here in California, I don't have anyone to help me through the days. The days get so daunting when the future just looks like a haze of pain killers and 'Pain - Lightning' ... the Fear sometimes triumphs and I don't get up. I don't keep moving.
I don't keep going. I get stuck. I stay stuck.
That's the Change I'd Like to See in the World for 2018 ... I'd like to get going!
I need to get GOING!
I need to get back to exercising, get back to caring about myself and my health, and stop being scared about pain. Yes, it feels like torture ... drip, drip, drip, day in, day out, pain, pain, pain, drip, drip, never ending f***ing drip.
NO. STOP. Stop thinking about it.
I've got to just let it run through me, NOT CONSUME Me.
Let it run through me.
(Why do we get stuck on some emotions & fears anyway?)
When it consumes me I get caught.
I get stuck.
I don't keep going forward, with my guard up, with my smile on, with my enthusiasm rocking ...
momentum knocking down the road-blocks in my way.
I've got to envision what's my Way ... WHAT IS My WAY?!
How am I going to be the change I'd like to see?
How am I ... Going to BE?
I've got to do better at honoring my journey and myself ... being and Doing Right BY myself ... for myself and for others, for my family, friends and especially for God.
Each day offers so many choices of how I'm going to live it.
I've got to forgive myself, let go of that past and then:
Be the Change I'd Like to See in the World.
I can envision what that looks like ...
I hope you'll consider, and envision:
what does your best self look like to you?
----------
Till next time ...
Thanks for you support!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!
Don't forget to support my "Off Menu" musical endeavors at:
Reverbnation.com/OffMenu
Welcome back!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!
----------
We've arrived in 2018 and wow! sometimes it's too hard to believe ... time just doesn't stop! The thing is, with Chronic Pain and Disability, it's is SO IMPORTANT that we don't stop either.
Speaking for myself, when I get in the habit of resting for too long, my momentum ceases, and it's so difficult to get going again. It takes desire, willpower, choice and so much more, to overcome FEAR! and keep going, keep moving forward. There's always that fear of what's next, but worse, that fear of pain hiding like a shadow. It's only in my mind, sure, but that's what so, so tough, noticing it, challenging it and telling it to get thee behind.
You see in my circumstance, with my Disability and Chronic Pain, I can walk a little while, sometimes a whole block before my knee/s give out ... and then there are big consequences ... like feeling the knife, the saw, the ice pick. But for a little while, they've yet to be brought out. There's a little hope that I can do something without feeling that 'gravity of the situation' HIT me. Again. and AGAIN. AND AGAIN!!
But that's the FEAR, the fear of THAT Pain which hangs over me everyday. The fear of THAT PAIN, is like a cloud waiting to burst above me, but there isn't rain, no ... it's THE Lightning BOLT that lashes my knees when I've stood too long or walked too far. And damn it hurts.
So I spend a lot of time in bed with my legs up. I design jewelry, I watch TV, I get on the computer, read, sleep, rest.
But LIFE's A TEST: each day we get to choose what we do, and then before bed (or not) we can examine how our day went and whether or not to make changes tomorrow.
I've noticed how unique we are in this amazing Universe where the Laws of Physics are so reliable. Each day the Sun comes up and each night the Sun disappears. But for us (for those healthy and FREE), for each and every human being, we have the choice of what we're going to do, when we sleep, eat, work, play, exercise, practice, etc. etc. etc.
After my visit home for Christmas, I found it hard to readjust to my routine. I missed home. I missed my folks. But also I missed the activities together. Back here in California, I don't have anyone to help me through the days. The days get so daunting when the future just looks like a haze of pain killers and 'Pain - Lightning' ... the Fear sometimes triumphs and I don't get up. I don't keep moving.
I don't keep going. I get stuck. I stay stuck.
That's the Change I'd Like to See in the World for 2018 ... I'd like to get going!
I need to get GOING!
I need to get back to exercising, get back to caring about myself and my health, and stop being scared about pain. Yes, it feels like torture ... drip, drip, drip, day in, day out, pain, pain, pain, drip, drip, never ending f***ing drip.
NO. STOP. Stop thinking about it.
I've got to just let it run through me, NOT CONSUME Me.
Let it run through me.
(Why do we get stuck on some emotions & fears anyway?)
When it consumes me I get caught.
I get stuck.
I don't keep going forward, with my guard up, with my smile on, with my enthusiasm rocking ...
momentum knocking down the road-blocks in my way.
I've got to envision what's my Way ... WHAT IS My WAY?!
How am I going to be the change I'd like to see?
How am I ... Going to BE?
I've got to do better at honoring my journey and myself ... being and Doing Right BY myself ... for myself and for others, for my family, friends and especially for God.
Each day offers so many choices of how I'm going to live it.
I've got to forgive myself, let go of that past and then:
Be the Change I'd Like to See in the World.
I can envision what that looks like ...
I hope you'll consider, and envision:
what does your best self look like to you?
----------
Till next time ...
Thanks for you support!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!
Don't forget to support my "Off Menu" musical endeavors at:
Reverbnation.com/OffMenu
Monday, October 2, 2017
The Pain Chronicles, Vol 1
Blog 9
Welcome back!
My name is Wylie and I’m your PainPAL
Thanks for checking out my Blog and Reading about my experiences related to #ChronicPain, #Disability, #Depression, Activities of Daily Living and Quality of Life. Today, I’m introducing a new #PainPAL #Blog #series called,
“The Pain Chronicles”
I hope ‘Pain Chronicles’ gives you some insights into the specifics of what I go through each day, how I handle the adversity and suffering, plus the ways in which I’ve changed my life in order to cope with the disability and the situations now. Disability’s offered a LOT of opportunities for me to try and make changes in my life, but only recently did I discover that to be a ‘silver lining’.
The Pain Chronicles, Vol.1 ... by Wylie Linquist
"Searching Within, and the Eye of the Storm:
Observing the effects of chronic pain and disability in my life."
A Storm Can CHANGE EVERYTHING Around You;
my injury in 2001 did the same.
Initially I didn’t deal well with the resulting disability. I didn’t know how. The doctors said it was a temporary disability and that with surgery to repair both of my knees, I get better and perhaps even be able to resume my jewelry career. Looking back nearly 17 years later, it’s easy to see their forecast wasn’t close to correct.
Back then, at 26, I thought I was a pretty good problem solver too, and thought I could handle whatever situations were thrown to me. By way of example: I had after all, graduated from the University of Wisconsin at Madison with a degree in Geography (the mother of all sciences), and during school had worked part-time in the Water Resources department of the Wisconsin Geological and Natural History Survey. My biggest project was quite a challenge of detective work and problem solving, including checking the location of every water well ever drilled in Dane County Wisconsin (including Madison, the Capital of Wisconsin).
Records of ever single well are kept at the Wis. Geological Survey, available to the public by request. Double checking the location of each report, though considerable in number, turned out to be VERY important, given well-drillers frequently entered an incorrect location on the report. Pre-GPS (Global Positioning Satellite) and before the age of computers and Google telling us within a foot of, sometimes I had reports with well locations miles off or even townships. And in 1995 and 1996, when I was doing this huge project, I wasn’t using a computer either!! Tasked with problem solving locations, I used street addresses, township maps, plat-books, and maps showing the history of who owned each parcel or acreage of land!
With a minor/emphasis at UW of People and Environment Interaction, this was fascinating to see, how mapping and scientific studies could show our interaction, and how WE ARE Changing the face of the Earth. With water wells, I realized the importance of getting a correct location for the report. This ACCURACY is crucial, given ALL the Geologic information (like a history of the Earth at that spot!) drillers include within the report. For the purposes of geologic studies, especially for ground-water studies, the well reports were used to create maps showing local impact of land use. With these maps we can see how human interaction impacts our groundwater! In this case, taken ALL together, mapping helps scientists show for example, how pesticide contamination moves in our groundwater. It's a little like weather forecasting, now Hydro-Geologists can forecast what areas, and water wells may be affected by pesticide-contaminated water.
In 1996, my final project at the Geological Survey was the measurement (with time) of the actual flow of the groundwater in Door County Wisconsin. I won’t go into the measurement techniques, but it’s interesting to see how science continues to improve its measure of man’s interactions and impact on the Earth. What’s really cool these days, is the discovery that scientists can use satellites (especially looking in infrared) to look and take pictures of the Earth (check out the Science Channel TV show ‘What on Earth?’). It’s critically important to continue learning how we interact, plus what the consequences are, of our Choices, upon other people, and upon ourselves too!
With those ideas of interaction and problem solving as a background, let me begin my ‘search within’: observing and learning the effects of disability and chronic pain, on myself and in my life. Indeed, my quality of life changed with the injury in 2001, but I didn’t really understand HOW Dramatic a change it was, until I began to examine the change I measured in my Activities of Daily Living (known as ADL). One measure of your ADL that you may immediately take note of, is the measurement of your steps per day, if you have an iPhone.
Initially however, when I look back, I remember the difficulty of looking within; it started with trying to be honest with myself. That was difficult to say the least, because I felt embarrassed about my situation. Here I am, a young guy, ready to make a difference. Now the rug's been sweep from beneath me. I suppose no one likes to look at the bad things about themselves, but what's far worse than a zit on your forehead (that’s on the outside), is what's within: whatever that bad thing is, usually houses emotional baggage.
For me, it was in the Grieving were I faced some of the BIGGEST emotional challenges. Yet I didn’t start to face anything for several years. ‘Denial’ had me on lock-down for at least five or six years, partly because I thought I’d be getting better sooner rather than … 15+ years later?? But it was also difficult to grieve because I wasn’t sure WHAT to grieve about. Do I grieve about how much pain I’m in? Do I grieve about losing my job and not being able to work everyday? Do I grieve because I can’t make any money, and I live in poverty, and can’t go buy things I’d like to have, or just go to a ballgame or cool concert each month? Do I grieve because I can’t go out, and hang out like I used to … go to parties, meet and have fun with women, and go on normal dates? Do I grieve because no one seems to care about how bad life feels right now??
I’ve lost my MOBILITY!!
I can’t run, or bike, or play baseball or basketball or GOLF!!! I can’t go skiing or go sailing, I can’t even walk around Lake Merritt like a normal person. Is that what I need to grieve about??? Maybe I need to grieve about all of it, and remember I wasn’t prepared for what had happened to me. That it wasn’t my fault. That I’d find a way to get through it, by the Grace of God. But for those first handful of years, I Was Lost! and I Was Broken (I’m still broken, but I’m much more spiritually and mentally whole than I was at the start of the disability — if that makes any sense) … that’s what I kept thinking anyway … and it really wasn’t helpful. With that ever-present/persistent Lost-ness, Broken-ness feeling, sort of following me from dawn to dust, from wake up to sleep, I began to experience the worst Depression I’d ever experienced.
During the first few years of disability, looking back, I see that I didn’t care. I didn’t really know ‘How to Care’ either. I also didn’t know how to ‘Love’, myself, my knees, my body, mind and spirit. I had no real self-respect. I was angry, and I was so mad at being hurt. Day after day, it never got better and often the pain would just gnaw at me till I took another pill. That was the ‘messy’ part of what I was experiencing: I didn’t know how to understand the pain. Sometimes there were pain-spasms, sometimes gnawing-pain, other times locking-pain, stabbing-pain, serrated-pain and sometimes the knee would ‘give-way’.
Oddly, each knee was different too, in the quality, frequency and duration of the pain. Everyone, doctors included, called them ‘knees’, but they’re not ‘knees’; they’re the ‘left knee’ and the ‘right knee’. It didn’t dawn on me till years later, that I needed to do a better job of identifying each knee and the pain that each was going through. Thankfully, with the help of a psychologist and the pain management doctor, I began to ask better questions, and start getting involved in the learning process, and the healing process, instead of covering my eyes and hiding my head in the sand, and not caring.
17 years of pain, suffering and taking pain medication, have taught me, that the #crisis #America faces isn’t an #Opioid crisis, it’s a Communication Crisis, this one is between doctor and patient. #Patients and #Doctors don’t know how to communicate with each other about the Pain! nor the singular/individual situations the patient finds themselves in. Truth is, there isn’t a ‘One size fits all’ prescription that the Doctor can use. And believe me, MANY Have Tried!
However, what has WORKED FOR ME, is to include the additional treatment of a #Psychologist, along with the #PainManagement Doctor. In fact, if every patient currently being seen by a Doctor prescribing opioids, also had to be seen each week or every other week, by a Licensed Psychologist, I think patients would see dramatic benefits.
When I first was seen by a Pain Management Doctor, I didn’t know HOW to take care of my HURT SELF!! I didn’t know that part of the Healing I needed was to start going through grieving. The Pain Doctor instead gave me pain medications, then anti-depressants. Only after I started making BIG mistakes in life, tangible evidence I was acting irresponsibly: not as an addict, but the side effects of the pain meds and anti-depressants, were changing my ability to make reasonable decisions, did the Pain Management Doctor prescribe treatment with a Psychologist.
What a difference this made to me!!! It’s EASY to See WHY: simply the fact that I spent 30 to 45 minutes with the Psychologist, whereas I’d only spend 5 to 10 minutes with the Pain Management Doctor, drives home the importance of spending time with a Doctor who can ask appropriate questions and make sure I receive appropriate help. In the care of the Psychologist, I started to get involved with my healing process, precisely because I HAD SOMEONE TO SPEAK WITH REGULARLY!!! With PAIN, Ignorance is NOT BLISS!!!
I began to learn more about why the pain was happening, and with both doctors help, the three of us put together a ‘COPING’ plan. I hadn’t a clue how to cope with pain after the injury happened in 2001. In fact it literally took years to learn what coping meant, plus what I could try that might help in coping … and that was at the direction of the Psychologist, not the Pain Management Doctor.
Sadly, that’s been part of the legacy of my disability: it’s been an experiment, not just an experience. The Pain Doctor wasn’t concerned about managing my pain, they seemed more interested in getting me in and out, giving me my medications refill, and my next appointment. I probably averaged 5minutes a visit. Where as, visiting a Psychologist always is a 30min to 45min session, and we can cover a lot in that time!
It’s my time with the Psychologist that helped me begin the “Search Within — trying to Find and Understand Self Healing”. I’ve had to experiment and try a lot of different things, from multiple kinds of pain medications, to mindfulness ‘meditation’, to medical marijuana and CBD, to many different types of exercises and trying to eat more healthy. But I reached a new plateau when I finally acknowledged that My Body Is HURT. (In fact, that makes me emotional just typing that right now!) In PAIN, my mind is caught, trapped between feeling pain, and wanting to escape the pain. Thankfully, the gift of Faith has kept me going, staying positive, and not giving up.
It’s been a combination of my Attitude, and my problem solving skills (like those I’ve mentioned above) that have helped too, as I recently came up with, and am trying to implement a ‘coping plan’ of consecutive days of Rest, including USING Ice EVERY DAY to help lessen inflammation, using my wheelchair and scooter more often, continue to see the Psychologist, Pain Management Doctors, PLUS continue to Exercise, go to Church each week and Pray regularly. But it was the Exercise, and going to Church, which rescued me from Depression.
Because I have to leave the apartment to go, and while I’m not interested in talking with other people, it’s helpful just being around others, especially feeling the energy they have, PLUS getting outside to feel the sun too!! This really helped me to draw in new breath. Worshiping and praying at Church inspired me, and the energy of exercise reinvigorated me physically.
BUT ... Depression would smother me against the ropes, and it’d make me consider the ease of wanting to throw it all away. It’d force me to drink from the well of despair, and then add insults to my injury.
The depression and despair was tough to swallow because there was no caring, no love, no future, no light, rather, anything positive would be driven from my sight, as depression would leave me feeling lost after demeaning my entire life experience.
Hope had no power. Faith, my only lifeline to Love. In a world of Billions, I felt alone, Suffocating in the knowledge I Wasn’t Worth Anyone’s Time or Care. Only THAT Pain Cared about me. Only THAT Pain was There FOR Me.
There was no other presence I could see — all I could feel was the judgment of the Pain; the daily torture of Pain that I didn’t know how to overcome. The storm happened everyday, but couldn’t I escape? NO, that was a struggle, a battle I didn’t even know how to fight.
I Held on to the Lifeline of Faith Through it All!
The DARK-NIGHT of the Soul . . .
THAT GREATEST of STORMS, NEVER seeming to CEASE,
HAD, somehow Passed . . .
And then, with each passing day I’ve claimed a little more of the lifeline. Prayer, and going to Church, would renew my strength, and THEN, I began to marvel, because I could see the Goodness I discovered within others, especially once I realized it was ok, and good to ask them for help. It was in the midst of Depression when I recognized I was holding on, with all my heart, to Faith’s lifeline, that I discovered my self-worth:
(a small epiphany) … God gave me Faith, I must be Worth something !!!
Since then, I’ve held fast to that kernel of Self-Worth ...
Thanks for reading!
My name is Wylie, and I’m your PainPAL
Ps. Sign up to receive my music related email notifications and support my musical efforts at:
Reverbnation.com/offmenu
Please listen to my original song I hope to sing at the Open Mic,
called ‘Transforming Funk’: Soundcloud.com/offmenu
I’m hoping to sing at an Open Mic soon …
If you’re in the Bay Area and would like to go, contact me by email: wylieway@yahoo.com
Thank you for supporting PainPAL!!!
Welcome back!
My name is Wylie and I’m your PainPAL
Thanks for checking out my Blog and Reading about my experiences related to #ChronicPain, #Disability, #Depression, Activities of Daily Living and Quality of Life. Today, I’m introducing a new #PainPAL #Blog #series called,
“The Pain Chronicles”
I hope ‘Pain Chronicles’ gives you some insights into the specifics of what I go through each day, how I handle the adversity and suffering, plus the ways in which I’ve changed my life in order to cope with the disability and the situations now. Disability’s offered a LOT of opportunities for me to try and make changes in my life, but only recently did I discover that to be a ‘silver lining’.
The Pain Chronicles, Vol.1 ... by Wylie Linquist
"Searching Within, and the Eye of the Storm:
Observing the effects of chronic pain and disability in my life."
A Storm Can CHANGE EVERYTHING Around You;
my injury in 2001 did the same.
Initially I didn’t deal well with the resulting disability. I didn’t know how. The doctors said it was a temporary disability and that with surgery to repair both of my knees, I get better and perhaps even be able to resume my jewelry career. Looking back nearly 17 years later, it’s easy to see their forecast wasn’t close to correct.
Back then, at 26, I thought I was a pretty good problem solver too, and thought I could handle whatever situations were thrown to me. By way of example: I had after all, graduated from the University of Wisconsin at Madison with a degree in Geography (the mother of all sciences), and during school had worked part-time in the Water Resources department of the Wisconsin Geological and Natural History Survey. My biggest project was quite a challenge of detective work and problem solving, including checking the location of every water well ever drilled in Dane County Wisconsin (including Madison, the Capital of Wisconsin).
Records of ever single well are kept at the Wis. Geological Survey, available to the public by request. Double checking the location of each report, though considerable in number, turned out to be VERY important, given well-drillers frequently entered an incorrect location on the report. Pre-GPS (Global Positioning Satellite) and before the age of computers and Google telling us within a foot of, sometimes I had reports with well locations miles off or even townships. And in 1995 and 1996, when I was doing this huge project, I wasn’t using a computer either!! Tasked with problem solving locations, I used street addresses, township maps, plat-books, and maps showing the history of who owned each parcel or acreage of land!
With a minor/emphasis at UW of People and Environment Interaction, this was fascinating to see, how mapping and scientific studies could show our interaction, and how WE ARE Changing the face of the Earth. With water wells, I realized the importance of getting a correct location for the report. This ACCURACY is crucial, given ALL the Geologic information (like a history of the Earth at that spot!) drillers include within the report. For the purposes of geologic studies, especially for ground-water studies, the well reports were used to create maps showing local impact of land use. With these maps we can see how human interaction impacts our groundwater! In this case, taken ALL together, mapping helps scientists show for example, how pesticide contamination moves in our groundwater. It's a little like weather forecasting, now Hydro-Geologists can forecast what areas, and water wells may be affected by pesticide-contaminated water.
In 1996, my final project at the Geological Survey was the measurement (with time) of the actual flow of the groundwater in Door County Wisconsin. I won’t go into the measurement techniques, but it’s interesting to see how science continues to improve its measure of man’s interactions and impact on the Earth. What’s really cool these days, is the discovery that scientists can use satellites (especially looking in infrared) to look and take pictures of the Earth (check out the Science Channel TV show ‘What on Earth?’). It’s critically important to continue learning how we interact, plus what the consequences are, of our Choices, upon other people, and upon ourselves too!
With those ideas of interaction and problem solving as a background, let me begin my ‘search within’: observing and learning the effects of disability and chronic pain, on myself and in my life. Indeed, my quality of life changed with the injury in 2001, but I didn’t really understand HOW Dramatic a change it was, until I began to examine the change I measured in my Activities of Daily Living (known as ADL). One measure of your ADL that you may immediately take note of, is the measurement of your steps per day, if you have an iPhone.
Initially however, when I look back, I remember the difficulty of looking within; it started with trying to be honest with myself. That was difficult to say the least, because I felt embarrassed about my situation. Here I am, a young guy, ready to make a difference. Now the rug's been sweep from beneath me. I suppose no one likes to look at the bad things about themselves, but what's far worse than a zit on your forehead (that’s on the outside), is what's within: whatever that bad thing is, usually houses emotional baggage.
For me, it was in the Grieving were I faced some of the BIGGEST emotional challenges. Yet I didn’t start to face anything for several years. ‘Denial’ had me on lock-down for at least five or six years, partly because I thought I’d be getting better sooner rather than … 15+ years later?? But it was also difficult to grieve because I wasn’t sure WHAT to grieve about. Do I grieve about how much pain I’m in? Do I grieve about losing my job and not being able to work everyday? Do I grieve because I can’t make any money, and I live in poverty, and can’t go buy things I’d like to have, or just go to a ballgame or cool concert each month? Do I grieve because I can’t go out, and hang out like I used to … go to parties, meet and have fun with women, and go on normal dates? Do I grieve because no one seems to care about how bad life feels right now??
I’ve lost my MOBILITY!!
I can’t run, or bike, or play baseball or basketball or GOLF!!! I can’t go skiing or go sailing, I can’t even walk around Lake Merritt like a normal person. Is that what I need to grieve about??? Maybe I need to grieve about all of it, and remember I wasn’t prepared for what had happened to me. That it wasn’t my fault. That I’d find a way to get through it, by the Grace of God. But for those first handful of years, I Was Lost! and I Was Broken (I’m still broken, but I’m much more spiritually and mentally whole than I was at the start of the disability — if that makes any sense) … that’s what I kept thinking anyway … and it really wasn’t helpful. With that ever-present/persistent Lost-ness, Broken-ness feeling, sort of following me from dawn to dust, from wake up to sleep, I began to experience the worst Depression I’d ever experienced.
During the first few years of disability, looking back, I see that I didn’t care. I didn’t really know ‘How to Care’ either. I also didn’t know how to ‘Love’, myself, my knees, my body, mind and spirit. I had no real self-respect. I was angry, and I was so mad at being hurt. Day after day, it never got better and often the pain would just gnaw at me till I took another pill. That was the ‘messy’ part of what I was experiencing: I didn’t know how to understand the pain. Sometimes there were pain-spasms, sometimes gnawing-pain, other times locking-pain, stabbing-pain, serrated-pain and sometimes the knee would ‘give-way’.
Oddly, each knee was different too, in the quality, frequency and duration of the pain. Everyone, doctors included, called them ‘knees’, but they’re not ‘knees’; they’re the ‘left knee’ and the ‘right knee’. It didn’t dawn on me till years later, that I needed to do a better job of identifying each knee and the pain that each was going through. Thankfully, with the help of a psychologist and the pain management doctor, I began to ask better questions, and start getting involved in the learning process, and the healing process, instead of covering my eyes and hiding my head in the sand, and not caring.
17 years of pain, suffering and taking pain medication, have taught me, that the #crisis #America faces isn’t an #Opioid crisis, it’s a Communication Crisis, this one is between doctor and patient. #Patients and #Doctors don’t know how to communicate with each other about the Pain! nor the singular/individual situations the patient finds themselves in. Truth is, there isn’t a ‘One size fits all’ prescription that the Doctor can use. And believe me, MANY Have Tried!
However, what has WORKED FOR ME, is to include the additional treatment of a #Psychologist, along with the #PainManagement Doctor. In fact, if every patient currently being seen by a Doctor prescribing opioids, also had to be seen each week or every other week, by a Licensed Psychologist, I think patients would see dramatic benefits.
When I first was seen by a Pain Management Doctor, I didn’t know HOW to take care of my HURT SELF!! I didn’t know that part of the Healing I needed was to start going through grieving. The Pain Doctor instead gave me pain medications, then anti-depressants. Only after I started making BIG mistakes in life, tangible evidence I was acting irresponsibly: not as an addict, but the side effects of the pain meds and anti-depressants, were changing my ability to make reasonable decisions, did the Pain Management Doctor prescribe treatment with a Psychologist.
What a difference this made to me!!! It’s EASY to See WHY: simply the fact that I spent 30 to 45 minutes with the Psychologist, whereas I’d only spend 5 to 10 minutes with the Pain Management Doctor, drives home the importance of spending time with a Doctor who can ask appropriate questions and make sure I receive appropriate help. In the care of the Psychologist, I started to get involved with my healing process, precisely because I HAD SOMEONE TO SPEAK WITH REGULARLY!!! With PAIN, Ignorance is NOT BLISS!!!
I began to learn more about why the pain was happening, and with both doctors help, the three of us put together a ‘COPING’ plan. I hadn’t a clue how to cope with pain after the injury happened in 2001. In fact it literally took years to learn what coping meant, plus what I could try that might help in coping … and that was at the direction of the Psychologist, not the Pain Management Doctor.
Sadly, that’s been part of the legacy of my disability: it’s been an experiment, not just an experience. The Pain Doctor wasn’t concerned about managing my pain, they seemed more interested in getting me in and out, giving me my medications refill, and my next appointment. I probably averaged 5minutes a visit. Where as, visiting a Psychologist always is a 30min to 45min session, and we can cover a lot in that time!
It’s my time with the Psychologist that helped me begin the “Search Within — trying to Find and Understand Self Healing”. I’ve had to experiment and try a lot of different things, from multiple kinds of pain medications, to mindfulness ‘meditation’, to medical marijuana and CBD, to many different types of exercises and trying to eat more healthy. But I reached a new plateau when I finally acknowledged that My Body Is HURT. (In fact, that makes me emotional just typing that right now!) In PAIN, my mind is caught, trapped between feeling pain, and wanting to escape the pain. Thankfully, the gift of Faith has kept me going, staying positive, and not giving up.
It’s been a combination of my Attitude, and my problem solving skills (like those I’ve mentioned above) that have helped too, as I recently came up with, and am trying to implement a ‘coping plan’ of consecutive days of Rest, including USING Ice EVERY DAY to help lessen inflammation, using my wheelchair and scooter more often, continue to see the Psychologist, Pain Management Doctors, PLUS continue to Exercise, go to Church each week and Pray regularly. But it was the Exercise, and going to Church, which rescued me from Depression.
Because I have to leave the apartment to go, and while I’m not interested in talking with other people, it’s helpful just being around others, especially feeling the energy they have, PLUS getting outside to feel the sun too!! This really helped me to draw in new breath. Worshiping and praying at Church inspired me, and the energy of exercise reinvigorated me physically.
BUT ... Depression would smother me against the ropes, and it’d make me consider the ease of wanting to throw it all away. It’d force me to drink from the well of despair, and then add insults to my injury.
The depression and despair was tough to swallow because there was no caring, no love, no future, no light, rather, anything positive would be driven from my sight, as depression would leave me feeling lost after demeaning my entire life experience.
Hope had no power. Faith, my only lifeline to Love. In a world of Billions, I felt alone, Suffocating in the knowledge I Wasn’t Worth Anyone’s Time or Care. Only THAT Pain Cared about me. Only THAT Pain was There FOR Me.
There was no other presence I could see — all I could feel was the judgment of the Pain; the daily torture of Pain that I didn’t know how to overcome. The storm happened everyday, but couldn’t I escape? NO, that was a struggle, a battle I didn’t even know how to fight.
I Held on to the Lifeline of Faith Through it All!
The DARK-NIGHT of the Soul . . .
THAT GREATEST of STORMS, NEVER seeming to CEASE,
HAD, somehow Passed . . .
And then, with each passing day I’ve claimed a little more of the lifeline. Prayer, and going to Church, would renew my strength, and THEN, I began to marvel, because I could see the Goodness I discovered within others, especially once I realized it was ok, and good to ask them for help. It was in the midst of Depression when I recognized I was holding on, with all my heart, to Faith’s lifeline, that I discovered my self-worth:
(a small epiphany) … God gave me Faith, I must be Worth something !!!
Since then, I’ve held fast to that kernel of Self-Worth ...
Thanks for reading!
My name is Wylie, and I’m your PainPAL
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Thursday, August 31, 2017
What IS Chronic Pain ... Really???
Welcome Back!!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPal
Thanks for your continued support!!
THANKS for reading and sharing my #Blog entitled #PainPAL.
What IS Chronic Pain ... Really???
Blog 8
It's remarkable just how much our Health of body and mind, plays a critical roll daily in our Quality of Life, like prayer and faith play a roll in our spiritual life. Usually we take this for granted, but actually it goes far deeper ... truth is we can't experience the suffering, agony or simple unhappiness that others are going through, because we can only look on. I grew up with my Godfather having a disability, so I was somewhat trained to be thoughtful and on the look-out for things he might need. But it's way different now that it's MY Body that is disabled.
Sometimes, I can't quite believe I've had to go through this experience: more than 15 years of Chronic Pain, surgeries, pain medications, coping, depression, and trying to learn positive ways to keep going ... maintain, hang in there, and sometimes, do a bit more and TRY to achieve some of my dreams and goals with dedication, discipline, patience and perseverance ... and most of all, something inside, driving me forward, not giving up, and not stopping or giving into the sporadic raindrops of despair or the hail of anger, but rather finding a strength within, an internal DETERMINATION.
These days I try to keep up my PEP: Prayer, Exercise and Practice
Activities are a choice, but it's a choice I have to make, to overcome the Chronic Pain. Prayer, Exercise and Practice are the three activities I've learned that help to keep my head above water and keep me moving in the direction I'm trying to go, because it's the Chronic Pain that acts so much like an anchor around my neck/body when I'm treading water. Each day is an opportunity to do better, to get better, to try to get better, to produce or to heal, or not ... sometimes a NEW day is just an opportunity to rest and try smell the roses. The opposite of course, is that I could just give in to the pain and hopeless feelings and say F*** It, I don't care. But, that's just too easy :(
It's odd, but sometimes God gives us the opportunity to prove to ourselves who we are AND who we Need To Be for Ourselves, and in the process, we find out who we'd like to become. Perhaps that's part of what's SO difficult about enduring, and dealing with a disability: when I became disabled, no one gave me the heads-up, that I was in fact now DIFFERENT, a uniquely different person from who I once had been, with completely different needs than I once had.
That lack of physical ability became the biggest barrier and constraint, affecting not just my physical situation, but my emotional well-being too. During some of the early years I lost my desire to get out, because with time, Chronic Pain acts like torture, and the mind breaks and says: "Fine, I'm done. I'm not going to do something I know will bring me pain ... I'm finished overcoming and persevering. It's just too much. I can't take it, day after day after day and over and over and over again."
That was when I really had to come face to face with what I'd lost. And I had to grieve about this loss ... and that took WAY longer than I thought it would. Actually as I look back, I was in denial for many years. I didn't accept my changed situation well at all ... that I was a DIFFERENT Person, for several years. I just didn't want to. I didn't want to be disabled, plus there were surgeries on the horizon that could (were supposed to) make me better.
But also, while there was a loss of being able to do some things I'd like to do, I could still take medication, and I could still walk ... to the lake or ocean, a little, go to Church, and even do some gardening. But I just kept running into the same wall: AFTERWARD ... after any activity longer than say 10 to 15 minutes, the spasms and/or the pain would be double, triple, even worse than it was normally. That's the daily choice I faced then, and today: either restrict my movement and rest, or endure acute pain and then worse suffering i.e. chronic pain.
Sadly, this isn't a subject that medicine knows very well, and I have first hand experience going on 17 years. I've had (and continue) to learn a lot about Chronic Pain and disability, including, how to speak of it and characterize it, and find solutions for my particular situation. I'm a fairly good problem solver, but WOW, this health situation is a dozy!!
As this post is about Chronic Pain, here's some definitions:
1. Pain that is persistent, often lasting more than six months; clinical symptoms may be the same as for acute pain, or there may be no symptoms evident.
2. Pain that continues or recurs over a prolonged period, caused by various diseases or abnormal conditions. Chronic pain may be less intense than acute pain. The person with chronic pain does not usually display increased pulse and rapid respiration because these autonomic reactions to pain cannot be sustained for long periods. Some factors that can complicate the treatment of persons with chronic pain are scarring, continuing psychological stress, and medication.
3. Pain that lasts beyond the term of an injury or painful stimulus (from a chronic or degenerative disease, and pain from an unidentified cause).
4. Pain that is long-lasting discomfort, with episodic exacerbation, that may be felt in the back, one or more joints, the pelvis, or other parts of the body.
5. Pain that returns periodically every few weeks or months for many years. Chronic pain is often described by sufferers as being debilitating, intolerable, disabling, or alienating and may occur without an easily identifiable cause. Studies have shown a high correlation between chronic pain and depression or dysphoria, but it is unclear whether the psychological aspects of chronic pain precede or develop as a result of a person's subjective suffering. (In my case, it's after!)
Patient care
The management of chronic pain is often difficult and may be frustrating for both sufferer and caregivers. Best results are usually obtained through multimodal therapy combining sympathetic guidance, encouraging patients to recover functional abilities, by combinations of drugs (e.g., nonsteroidal anti-inflammatories, narcotic analgesics, and/or antidepressants), physical therapy and regular exercise, occupational therapy, physiatry, psychological or social counseling, and alternative medical therapies (e.g., acupuncture, massage, or relaxation techniques). Surgery and other invasive strategies are occasionally employed, with variable effectiveness. (In my case, several knee surgeries, with two more reconstructions likely.)
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It's tough to find a catch all definition of the kind and type of pain I have, the frequency, magnitude, etc... when I walk or stand, the acute pain goes way up, and when I'm sitting or have my legs up on the couch, the acute pain drops but the trauma's been done, and the chronic pain from inflammation and irritation continues. In fact just to get back to a baseline, I need about three full days of rest with my legs up on the couch, and minimal activities. It may seem obvious, but it took me a few years before I came to understand that everyone's situation is different. Perhaps that's why medicine has taken so long to advance, because what works for my body is NOT guaranteed to work for others.
On the other hand, thinking about my situation emotionally, helped me realize just how much Chronic Pain made me feel #vulnerable and #depressed. There's no medication or surgery for that! I felt guilty for not fulfilling my 'best' self, but there were also times when I'd just feel #sad. Maybe it was loneliness, maybe it was thinking about what I was missing out on, or those times when the questions would come cascading in mind: Have I failed in life? Why can't I be happy? Am I #happy with myself?? How can I be happy with myself?? What's wrong with me?
I used to be a regular guy, athletic, an outdoors-man, a sportsman. One day you'd catch me playing Frisbee golf, the next I'd be hitting in a batting cage or playing putt putt golf, or actually playing 9 to 18 holes of golf, or in the winter playing hockey or going downhill skiing on the weekend. I was a mover and a shaker, a social butterfly, kickin' a** and taking names. Now however, since the disability, would you believe I barely walk 1000 steps a day? That's a measurement according to my iPhone (actually I average about 850 steps). If you look up what a normal, average amount of steps an adult walks a day, you'll see that 1000 steps is seriously, SERIOUSLY Low (I guess given the disability, it ought to be that LOW ... but it's still depressing to me to see the actual numbers confirm my situation ... there's just no wishing it away, or hoping I wake up ... THIS is MY REALITY).
For years, I didn't understand what I was REALLY going through; WHY my body was making me go through hoops, physically and mentally, just to stand and make something to eat, brush my teeth, or do household chores, much less go to the grocery store, etc... Going to an Art Museum, or on a hike, those activities are out! I haven't played golf or thought of skiing either. All physical activity gets a sort of mental sensor, or has to be mentally filtered.
For example, when I'm asked to go, or think about going to hang out and listen to live music, my thought isn't about who I'm going to see or who I might meet, like it used to be. No, I'm thinking, can I park close to the front door, will they have stairs, should I bring my wheelchair or the scooter? I can't even dance one dance, or walk a block, much less a few, without real pain consequences. If I did, the ramifications include (you guessed it) lots more pain & poss spasms, than if I had stayed home to rest with my legs up on the couch.
Why? The chronic pain I have revolves around weight bearing pain: when I put weight on my knee joints, the acute pain gets worse, and the inflammation in the joint and irritation gets much worse too (chronic pain). I use ice packs each day to try to lessen the inflammation that's going on. But the important thing I had to learn, was that the Chronic Pain doesn't go away when I wake up the next day ... it's actually like some of the torture I've seen on TV: a recurrence of the trauma, over and over and over and over and over and over and Over and Over and OVER and OVER AND OVER again, day after day after day after Day after Day after DAY after DAY, and there really are times I've felt like I was going to go crazy.
Thankfully, I have help and I no longer try to take this all on by myself.
Yet that's how I started ... in denial and trying to handle disability by myself. (Wow! The ego on this guy! Smh!) Sure it's likely I was simply naive and ignorant, but I was even in denial about how much I was hurting. But after awhile, I finally came to some grip of the totality of my loss of mobility and the loss of my quality of life. The truth: I couldn't work and I was just surviving each day.
Thankfully, with professional guidance, the help of friends, and the concern and love of family, I got through the grief of the loss of my mobility, and I got past the denial ... with honesty. By being honest with myself, I started to learn how to cope and put those coping methods into practice. In particular, I think the best thing I did was that I learned to stop being so self-judgmental. Plus I look for and found friends who cared about my well-being and helped me to do so too.
Looking back, I notice Two turning points:
The first, when I realized and began to recognize my own self-worth, even WITH the disability. This was completely due to my faith and the realization that if God thought I was worth knowing and having a relationship with, and if God chose me to have faith, that meant something, that in fact, I must really have some worth. And ever since, I've been trying to grow and learn what it means to 'Love others as you Love yourself' (the second of Christ's Great Commandments).
The second turning point was after I'd recognized and started practicing and living with more self-esteem, I decided to start to Face My Fears. I can't imagine what that's like for others, but for me, it wasn't as easy as I hoped. I think the first practical example was that I found and started going to the dentist (yep, I was scared of needles in my mouth), but thankfully, I found a compassionate dentist who helped me through it, and towards that end, I also found a class teaching "Mindfulness Meditation". In taking that class, I learned about breathing techniques for when you notice that you're feeling anxious.
I also began to face my fear of asking others for help (perhaps that's a THIRD turning point!!). This was and still is a Big one for me. It's neither easy for me to ask for help or for things ... but I started recognizing that when I was asking for help, I was also giving others the opportunity to give and serve --- things I do pretty well, because I like to help others and see others happy! My family taught me how to be generous! Yet, being generous was something you did for others, not do for yourself.
Only recently did I recognize the fallacy of that idea. It's rather important that we all take good care of ourselves, in fact love ourselves, so that then we may do so for others. Just like a mother must take care of herself before she takes care of her child, there's an importance to self that I'd never understood. Remember the idea of: 'Know-Thyself'? I wonder how many of us really care to know ourselves? Why is it important? What good can come from it?
For me, to know and understand myself really has helped to guide me to learn How to Keep Going through the Chronic Pain. It's easy to give up --- take extra pain meds, drink, get high ... but to keep going ... to be productive, even if it's just a little each day ... to continue to go out, go to church, go to the Gym, go for groceries, even get to a park or just enjoy a car ride --- no matter how small or insignificant the activity (even typing on the keyboard) seems, it's the opposite of giving up.
That's another important lesson I've learned about Chronic Pain: Not to let it stop me, because the idea of conservation of momentum holds true --- it's easier to keep going than to stop and start again. I'm grateful I was forced to learn Time management early in college, because that's what I use to keep myself moving: I use the calendar to schedule appointments, events, visits, errands, Church service, whatever the activity (even phone calls or getting online) because it reminds me to Keep Going.
Exercise too, helps shield me from the Chronic Pain caused ink-black #depression; surging blood-flow and muscle charging seem to be opposite of the stale, #isolated, #uneasy, nothing and #malaise of #hopelessness brought up by depression's whispers:
you're worthless! you can't make it! you don't belong! you're alone! no one cares! why do you keep going! why don't you just stop?! Like the ever-flowing waters of Earth: emotions constantly surge (the good and the negative) and like gravity itself, #pain awakens and causes certain negative and hopeless #emotions and #feelings to arise frequently.
Yet, like every relationship (in this case, my relationship with Chronic Pain), it's important to be honest, #communicate and learn, and not let little things build up like steam until the whistle sounds to expel the pent up emotional angst. Expressing emotions is pivotal, in my case, to letting go the grief, the sadness, the uneasiness and anxiety arising so regularly due to Chronic Pain. Self expression through writing poetry, songwriting, singing, designing, exercise too, all help, but #Prayer (and going to Church) is by far the best way to let go and get through the hurts I feel so deep.
Without regularly notice, plus activity and #self-expression, those negative emotions from Chronic Pain would overwhelm me and get out of hand, building up to the point where they'd weigh so much more than my light-hearted, loving self. I have learned that there are some red flags forewarning me of this, which present themselves for me to heed and do something like take time to pray. But if I let them pass, soon I feel this crash-diving down into the mire and muck of gloom and #despair, and this scent of decayed life catching up in my nostrils and throat. I reach a fog-thick state of loneliness, where my #anxiety goes off the chart, as I notice this cutting off of breath feeling ... of hopelessness.
Yet, I fear God precisely because I've felt this everlasting-eternity-all-alone feeling. And even thought I trust God with all my Heart, depression can swamp my love with emotions of pain, hurt, and voices of despair. #Sadness makes me slip when I try to stand up with confidence, and then the Pain shatters that #confidence altogether. How can I keep going? How will I get through this feeling again? Will anyone help me? Who can I call? Isn't there someone who can help me? What do I do now? Where do I turn now?
The answer is always the same: seek & find.... FAITH. LOVE. HOPE.
Chronic Pain can sometimes twist my mind like a pretzel, tear it to shreds and eat it in front of me --- so to speak. Yet self-compassion and love are like the water that nourishes the seed of faith. Amazingly, Love is available to each of us. And isn't that a blessing too, that we can share LOVE with each other?!
Yes, at times, God's grace can feel like a mystery, but I continue to try to seek and find and search with all my heart, no matter the trials I'm asked to face ... even this Super Tough one called 'Chronic Pain'.
Thanks again for taking some of your time to read my Blog. I appreciate you. #PrayersUp
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPal
Thanks for your continued support!!
THANKS for reading and sharing my #Blog entitled #PainPAL.
What IS Chronic Pain ... Really???
Blog 8
It's remarkable just how much our Health of body and mind, plays a critical roll daily in our Quality of Life, like prayer and faith play a roll in our spiritual life. Usually we take this for granted, but actually it goes far deeper ... truth is we can't experience the suffering, agony or simple unhappiness that others are going through, because we can only look on. I grew up with my Godfather having a disability, so I was somewhat trained to be thoughtful and on the look-out for things he might need. But it's way different now that it's MY Body that is disabled.
Sometimes, I can't quite believe I've had to go through this experience: more than 15 years of Chronic Pain, surgeries, pain medications, coping, depression, and trying to learn positive ways to keep going ... maintain, hang in there, and sometimes, do a bit more and TRY to achieve some of my dreams and goals with dedication, discipline, patience and perseverance ... and most of all, something inside, driving me forward, not giving up, and not stopping or giving into the sporadic raindrops of despair or the hail of anger, but rather finding a strength within, an internal DETERMINATION.
These days I try to keep up my PEP: Prayer, Exercise and Practice
Activities are a choice, but it's a choice I have to make, to overcome the Chronic Pain. Prayer, Exercise and Practice are the three activities I've learned that help to keep my head above water and keep me moving in the direction I'm trying to go, because it's the Chronic Pain that acts so much like an anchor around my neck/body when I'm treading water. Each day is an opportunity to do better, to get better, to try to get better, to produce or to heal, or not ... sometimes a NEW day is just an opportunity to rest and try smell the roses. The opposite of course, is that I could just give in to the pain and hopeless feelings and say F*** It, I don't care. But, that's just too easy :(
It's odd, but sometimes God gives us the opportunity to prove to ourselves who we are AND who we Need To Be for Ourselves, and in the process, we find out who we'd like to become. Perhaps that's part of what's SO difficult about enduring, and dealing with a disability: when I became disabled, no one gave me the heads-up, that I was in fact now DIFFERENT, a uniquely different person from who I once had been, with completely different needs than I once had.
That lack of physical ability became the biggest barrier and constraint, affecting not just my physical situation, but my emotional well-being too. During some of the early years I lost my desire to get out, because with time, Chronic Pain acts like torture, and the mind breaks and says: "Fine, I'm done. I'm not going to do something I know will bring me pain ... I'm finished overcoming and persevering. It's just too much. I can't take it, day after day after day and over and over and over again."
That was when I really had to come face to face with what I'd lost. And I had to grieve about this loss ... and that took WAY longer than I thought it would. Actually as I look back, I was in denial for many years. I didn't accept my changed situation well at all ... that I was a DIFFERENT Person, for several years. I just didn't want to. I didn't want to be disabled, plus there were surgeries on the horizon that could (were supposed to) make me better.
But also, while there was a loss of being able to do some things I'd like to do, I could still take medication, and I could still walk ... to the lake or ocean, a little, go to Church, and even do some gardening. But I just kept running into the same wall: AFTERWARD ... after any activity longer than say 10 to 15 minutes, the spasms and/or the pain would be double, triple, even worse than it was normally. That's the daily choice I faced then, and today: either restrict my movement and rest, or endure acute pain and then worse suffering i.e. chronic pain.
Sadly, this isn't a subject that medicine knows very well, and I have first hand experience going on 17 years. I've had (and continue) to learn a lot about Chronic Pain and disability, including, how to speak of it and characterize it, and find solutions for my particular situation. I'm a fairly good problem solver, but WOW, this health situation is a dozy!!
As this post is about Chronic Pain, here's some definitions:
1. Pain that is persistent, often lasting more than six months; clinical symptoms may be the same as for acute pain, or there may be no symptoms evident.
2. Pain that continues or recurs over a prolonged period, caused by various diseases or abnormal conditions. Chronic pain may be less intense than acute pain. The person with chronic pain does not usually display increased pulse and rapid respiration because these autonomic reactions to pain cannot be sustained for long periods. Some factors that can complicate the treatment of persons with chronic pain are scarring, continuing psychological stress, and medication.
3. Pain that lasts beyond the term of an injury or painful stimulus (from a chronic or degenerative disease, and pain from an unidentified cause).
4. Pain that is long-lasting discomfort, with episodic exacerbation, that may be felt in the back, one or more joints, the pelvis, or other parts of the body.
5. Pain that returns periodically every few weeks or months for many years. Chronic pain is often described by sufferers as being debilitating, intolerable, disabling, or alienating and may occur without an easily identifiable cause. Studies have shown a high correlation between chronic pain and depression or dysphoria, but it is unclear whether the psychological aspects of chronic pain precede or develop as a result of a person's subjective suffering. (In my case, it's after!)
Patient care
The management of chronic pain is often difficult and may be frustrating for both sufferer and caregivers. Best results are usually obtained through multimodal therapy combining sympathetic guidance, encouraging patients to recover functional abilities, by combinations of drugs (e.g., nonsteroidal anti-inflammatories, narcotic analgesics, and/or antidepressants), physical therapy and regular exercise, occupational therapy, physiatry, psychological or social counseling, and alternative medical therapies (e.g., acupuncture, massage, or relaxation techniques). Surgery and other invasive strategies are occasionally employed, with variable effectiveness. (In my case, several knee surgeries, with two more reconstructions likely.)
____________________________________________________
It's tough to find a catch all definition of the kind and type of pain I have, the frequency, magnitude, etc... when I walk or stand, the acute pain goes way up, and when I'm sitting or have my legs up on the couch, the acute pain drops but the trauma's been done, and the chronic pain from inflammation and irritation continues. In fact just to get back to a baseline, I need about three full days of rest with my legs up on the couch, and minimal activities. It may seem obvious, but it took me a few years before I came to understand that everyone's situation is different. Perhaps that's why medicine has taken so long to advance, because what works for my body is NOT guaranteed to work for others.
On the other hand, thinking about my situation emotionally, helped me realize just how much Chronic Pain made me feel #vulnerable and #depressed. There's no medication or surgery for that! I felt guilty for not fulfilling my 'best' self, but there were also times when I'd just feel #sad. Maybe it was loneliness, maybe it was thinking about what I was missing out on, or those times when the questions would come cascading in mind: Have I failed in life? Why can't I be happy? Am I #happy with myself?? How can I be happy with myself?? What's wrong with me?
I used to be a regular guy, athletic, an outdoors-man, a sportsman. One day you'd catch me playing Frisbee golf, the next I'd be hitting in a batting cage or playing putt putt golf, or actually playing 9 to 18 holes of golf, or in the winter playing hockey or going downhill skiing on the weekend. I was a mover and a shaker, a social butterfly, kickin' a** and taking names. Now however, since the disability, would you believe I barely walk 1000 steps a day? That's a measurement according to my iPhone (actually I average about 850 steps). If you look up what a normal, average amount of steps an adult walks a day, you'll see that 1000 steps is seriously, SERIOUSLY Low (I guess given the disability, it ought to be that LOW ... but it's still depressing to me to see the actual numbers confirm my situation ... there's just no wishing it away, or hoping I wake up ... THIS is MY REALITY).
For years, I didn't understand what I was REALLY going through; WHY my body was making me go through hoops, physically and mentally, just to stand and make something to eat, brush my teeth, or do household chores, much less go to the grocery store, etc... Going to an Art Museum, or on a hike, those activities are out! I haven't played golf or thought of skiing either. All physical activity gets a sort of mental sensor, or has to be mentally filtered.
For example, when I'm asked to go, or think about going to hang out and listen to live music, my thought isn't about who I'm going to see or who I might meet, like it used to be. No, I'm thinking, can I park close to the front door, will they have stairs, should I bring my wheelchair or the scooter? I can't even dance one dance, or walk a block, much less a few, without real pain consequences. If I did, the ramifications include (you guessed it) lots more pain & poss spasms, than if I had stayed home to rest with my legs up on the couch.
Why? The chronic pain I have revolves around weight bearing pain: when I put weight on my knee joints, the acute pain gets worse, and the inflammation in the joint and irritation gets much worse too (chronic pain). I use ice packs each day to try to lessen the inflammation that's going on. But the important thing I had to learn, was that the Chronic Pain doesn't go away when I wake up the next day ... it's actually like some of the torture I've seen on TV: a recurrence of the trauma, over and over and over and over and over and over and Over and Over and OVER and OVER AND OVER again, day after day after day after Day after Day after DAY after DAY, and there really are times I've felt like I was going to go crazy.
Thankfully, I have help and I no longer try to take this all on by myself.
Yet that's how I started ... in denial and trying to handle disability by myself. (Wow! The ego on this guy! Smh!) Sure it's likely I was simply naive and ignorant, but I was even in denial about how much I was hurting. But after awhile, I finally came to some grip of the totality of my loss of mobility and the loss of my quality of life. The truth: I couldn't work and I was just surviving each day.
Thankfully, with professional guidance, the help of friends, and the concern and love of family, I got through the grief of the loss of my mobility, and I got past the denial ... with honesty. By being honest with myself, I started to learn how to cope and put those coping methods into practice. In particular, I think the best thing I did was that I learned to stop being so self-judgmental. Plus I look for and found friends who cared about my well-being and helped me to do so too.
Looking back, I notice Two turning points:
The first, when I realized and began to recognize my own self-worth, even WITH the disability. This was completely due to my faith and the realization that if God thought I was worth knowing and having a relationship with, and if God chose me to have faith, that meant something, that in fact, I must really have some worth. And ever since, I've been trying to grow and learn what it means to 'Love others as you Love yourself' (the second of Christ's Great Commandments).
The second turning point was after I'd recognized and started practicing and living with more self-esteem, I decided to start to Face My Fears. I can't imagine what that's like for others, but for me, it wasn't as easy as I hoped. I think the first practical example was that I found and started going to the dentist (yep, I was scared of needles in my mouth), but thankfully, I found a compassionate dentist who helped me through it, and towards that end, I also found a class teaching "Mindfulness Meditation". In taking that class, I learned about breathing techniques for when you notice that you're feeling anxious.
I also began to face my fear of asking others for help (perhaps that's a THIRD turning point!!). This was and still is a Big one for me. It's neither easy for me to ask for help or for things ... but I started recognizing that when I was asking for help, I was also giving others the opportunity to give and serve --- things I do pretty well, because I like to help others and see others happy! My family taught me how to be generous! Yet, being generous was something you did for others, not do for yourself.
Only recently did I recognize the fallacy of that idea. It's rather important that we all take good care of ourselves, in fact love ourselves, so that then we may do so for others. Just like a mother must take care of herself before she takes care of her child, there's an importance to self that I'd never understood. Remember the idea of: 'Know-Thyself'? I wonder how many of us really care to know ourselves? Why is it important? What good can come from it?
For me, to know and understand myself really has helped to guide me to learn How to Keep Going through the Chronic Pain. It's easy to give up --- take extra pain meds, drink, get high ... but to keep going ... to be productive, even if it's just a little each day ... to continue to go out, go to church, go to the Gym, go for groceries, even get to a park or just enjoy a car ride --- no matter how small or insignificant the activity (even typing on the keyboard) seems, it's the opposite of giving up.
That's another important lesson I've learned about Chronic Pain: Not to let it stop me, because the idea of conservation of momentum holds true --- it's easier to keep going than to stop and start again. I'm grateful I was forced to learn Time management early in college, because that's what I use to keep myself moving: I use the calendar to schedule appointments, events, visits, errands, Church service, whatever the activity (even phone calls or getting online) because it reminds me to Keep Going.
Exercise too, helps shield me from the Chronic Pain caused ink-black #depression; surging blood-flow and muscle charging seem to be opposite of the stale, #isolated, #uneasy, nothing and #malaise of #hopelessness brought up by depression's whispers:
you're worthless! you can't make it! you don't belong! you're alone! no one cares! why do you keep going! why don't you just stop?! Like the ever-flowing waters of Earth: emotions constantly surge (the good and the negative) and like gravity itself, #pain awakens and causes certain negative and hopeless #emotions and #feelings to arise frequently.
Yet, like every relationship (in this case, my relationship with Chronic Pain), it's important to be honest, #communicate and learn, and not let little things build up like steam until the whistle sounds to expel the pent up emotional angst. Expressing emotions is pivotal, in my case, to letting go the grief, the sadness, the uneasiness and anxiety arising so regularly due to Chronic Pain. Self expression through writing poetry, songwriting, singing, designing, exercise too, all help, but #Prayer (and going to Church) is by far the best way to let go and get through the hurts I feel so deep.
Without regularly notice, plus activity and #self-expression, those negative emotions from Chronic Pain would overwhelm me and get out of hand, building up to the point where they'd weigh so much more than my light-hearted, loving self. I have learned that there are some red flags forewarning me of this, which present themselves for me to heed and do something like take time to pray. But if I let them pass, soon I feel this crash-diving down into the mire and muck of gloom and #despair, and this scent of decayed life catching up in my nostrils and throat. I reach a fog-thick state of loneliness, where my #anxiety goes off the chart, as I notice this cutting off of breath feeling ... of hopelessness.
Yet, I fear God precisely because I've felt this everlasting-eternity-all-alone feeling. And even thought I trust God with all my Heart, depression can swamp my love with emotions of pain, hurt, and voices of despair. #Sadness makes me slip when I try to stand up with confidence, and then the Pain shatters that #confidence altogether. How can I keep going? How will I get through this feeling again? Will anyone help me? Who can I call? Isn't there someone who can help me? What do I do now? Where do I turn now?
The answer is always the same: seek & find.... FAITH. LOVE. HOPE.
Chronic Pain can sometimes twist my mind like a pretzel, tear it to shreds and eat it in front of me --- so to speak. Yet self-compassion and love are like the water that nourishes the seed of faith. Amazingly, Love is available to each of us. And isn't that a blessing too, that we can share LOVE with each other?!
Yes, at times, God's grace can feel like a mystery, but I continue to try to seek and find and search with all my heart, no matter the trials I'm asked to face ... even this Super Tough one called 'Chronic Pain'.
Thanks again for taking some of your time to read my Blog. I appreciate you. #PrayersUp
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL
Thursday, July 6, 2017
What You Gonna Do If You're Curious?
Hey HEY!
Welcome back!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!
BLOG 7
July is upon us ... so too Summertime!!!
Let's just hope the temperatures stay lower than we know they're going to get in August and September!
So! What's news?
What's new with you?
How's life treating you?
Yeah, I never liked those questions either ... it's often difficult for me especially, to launch into how I'm doing when someone asks, partly because I'm immediately reminded of the emotional roller-coaster that I'm on ... NOT That you shouldn't ask! It's appropriate to do so. It shows you care. Just be aware, there's never an easy answer because I live on this Crazy Tide of #PAIN, up and down, every day.
Actually, sometimes during the day, I catch myself 'expecting' THE Pain, and then because I've been resting, I get a reprieve! Of course, in Life, there's always an opposite:
when I go and do something like go to the park with a friend, usually I can't help but want to get out of the vehicle and walk a while ... yep ... you're right: BAD IDEA.
But often my body doesn't say THAT in the moment (usu. I'm too excited being outside!), and last weekend my mind was ALL too EAGER to be out in the Sunshine at a Park on the water of San Francisco Bay! Wow! Beautiful!
Then, of course,
it's wham-o ... shock and awwwwwwww for a few days afterward. YUCK! That's really the up and down of #disability for me. And where I used to be a very spontaneous person, it seems now that spontaneity has an anchor attached to it called #ChronicPain ...
Anyway,
welcome back to #PainPAL!
THANKS AGAIN for YOUR #SUPPORT!
It really means a lot to me!!!
Hopefully that made you smile!!
SO ...
Hey, let's take an excursion into surreality, otherwise know as my poetry :)
A little background about this #poem I've added to the #Blog #post ...
This #Poem is one I wrote just last Friday, a couple days after finding the PARK that you see in the TOP picture, which shows a really great VIEW of the city of San Francisco!!
I hope you like the message of the poem ...
and do try to listen for the rhythm of the #poetry...
Can you hear and catch the tempo as you read ~~ 1 2 3 4 5 & 1 2 3 4 5 &
Of course, then if you feel like adding a comment, that's GREAT too. I really like to hear that first impression... the unfiltered version is fine. I can take it.
Tell me what you'd like to hear more of too.
This has been a long journey of pain and #suffering, and if this blog can help anyone with what you're going through, that's really my aim. Even if it's just a smile, or if, God willing, you receive the greatest #Insight ever, WOW, that would be awesome ...
One way or another, we're really all in this together. Obviously (though it took me a while to learn this one), no body's perfect, we just pretend ... some more than others too :) But that too speaks to the importance of Honesty and #SelfDignity, #SelfRespect, #SelfWorth, and all the other good 'Self'-related ideas like #SelfEsteem. That's part of the background theme of the poem: being honest with yourself.
Here's a great phrase I learned from a mentor:
You've got to be happy with yourself, 'cause you're the only person you'll ever have to live with!!
Just ponder that for a minute...
With that in mind ...
don't forget the cadence:
1 2 3 4 5 &
1 2 3 4 5 &
So here you go . . . .
What You Gonna Do If You're Curious?
By Wylie Linquist 2017 Of course, what did you expect... yes, All Rights Reserved :)
Dancing with the Devil, Demons everywhere
who gives a shit, who really cares...
When the lights go down, & you can NOT see
you looking at you, you looking at me...
What you gonna do, when your nerves begin to fray
what you gonna do, are you gonna pray...
What you gonna do, when forever seems near
the end's so close, all you feel is FEAR...
What you gonna do, when your nerves start to Tear
what you gonna do, when the Devil is There...
Are you gonna Pray, are you gonna Dance
are you gonna Care, will you be AWARE...
That the END is Clear, that the END is HERE
that the END is NEAR, that the END is Sheer...
Though it may not appear, if you face the Fear
if you taste the Fear, if you Trace YOUR Fear...
Comes at any moment like a flashlight, black & white, epiphany or insight
instantaneous, contemporaneous, to be ashamed of lust...
Cause Greed is NOT Good, it's not a matter of it should
but a matter Understood, if you care about your Soul...
it makes a Rock to Roll...
If you're curious, what you gonna do
if you're curious, is it Time you knew...
Open up your mind, for that you Seek to Find
look for any clue, inspect, observe, experimental learning curve...
What you gonna do, in a lifetime NOW
if you don't learn how, like the milking of a cow...
Ways & Whys demanding exercise, of the mind and its Focus
like an origin and its locus, everywhere right here, sitting near so clear...
What you Gonna do, if you're Curious
no time like the present, so don't get furious, learning is luxurious...
What you Gonna do, if you're Curious
opening your heart first, your mind & your soul,
til you see & reach YOUR GOAL...
Brainstorm, plan ahead, reaching for the stars
understand the Universe, but what about the Scars...
A cause & Effect, for every action a reaction
reach your destination, HOPE brings Satisfaction...
But some Don't care, some have Lost their way
blame others for the losing, not themselves for their Choosing...
But the mirror is Clear, if you Open your eyes
if NOT you'll disguise, the Devil's set of Lies...
The Sound of the details, the timing of a cough,
on the rails . . . . or OFF...
What you Gonna do, if you're CURIOUS
will you keep your mind's eye open, accept True Loves Devotion
the honor of obedience, OR giving INTO expedience...
The either OR, of course That's something We've ALL Explored
in Youth's Exploration, maturation of MIND, BODY, SPIRIT
listening to your senses tell it, or ear to chest to Heart it...
Heart Beats, Repeating Tenor, timing tells the travelers tale
like a grandfather clock tones the hour,
a countenance like the winding, seeking not to fail...
But if we forget, or when we become Aware
that DUTY had been forsaken, in the tones late Dare...
What do we do, apologize & then repair
less we lose our DIGNITY & no longer CARE...
Results from a Demon's lips & a Devil's Snare
like Toasted Chestnuts, & sipping Wine after the Affair...
Yes someday perhaps forgotten, only NEVER IS FOREVER
& Only FORGIVENESS, which happens after Repentance, may clear the air...
But then, would you open your EYES & STARE
back at the MIRROR seemingly solitary standing there...
If you're CURIOUS, isn't it Time to KNOW?
isn't it TIME to GROW . . . UP & DECLARE!!!
Time keeps Ticking, so if you're CURIOUS . . . it's TIME FOR PRAYER
-------------------------------------------------------
Thanks again to everyone for your support
during this time, as I await my next set of
#surgery on each knee.
I just saw the doctor last week or so, and the word is go on the
#KneeReconstruction Surgery. The scans/images show enough evidence
to do the surgery (of course my body/knees have been telling me
this for a few years now!), so I'll keep posting updates as progress
gets made towards surgery and hopefully, #recovery time too!!
Till next time, God Bless you and yours!!
As always, be true to yourself, and I'll do the same...
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL
Fyi, if you need a music break, or want to try to new tunes, check me out here:
WylieVibes
or
More WylieVibes :)
Welcome back!
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL!
BLOG 7
July is upon us ... so too Summertime!!!
Let's just hope the temperatures stay lower than we know they're going to get in August and September!
So! What's news?
What's new with you?
How's life treating you?
Yeah, I never liked those questions either ... it's often difficult for me especially, to launch into how I'm doing when someone asks, partly because I'm immediately reminded of the emotional roller-coaster that I'm on ... NOT That you shouldn't ask! It's appropriate to do so. It shows you care. Just be aware, there's never an easy answer because I live on this Crazy Tide of #PAIN, up and down, every day.
Actually, sometimes during the day, I catch myself 'expecting' THE Pain, and then because I've been resting, I get a reprieve! Of course, in Life, there's always an opposite:
when I go and do something like go to the park with a friend, usually I can't help but want to get out of the vehicle and walk a while ... yep ... you're right: BAD IDEA.
But often my body doesn't say THAT in the moment (usu. I'm too excited being outside!), and last weekend my mind was ALL too EAGER to be out in the Sunshine at a Park on the water of San Francisco Bay! Wow! Beautiful!
it's wham-o ... shock and awwwwwwww for a few days afterward. YUCK! That's really the up and down of #disability for me. And where I used to be a very spontaneous person, it seems now that spontaneity has an anchor attached to it called #ChronicPain ...
Anyway,
welcome back to #PainPAL!
THANKS AGAIN for YOUR #SUPPORT!
It really means a lot to me!!!
SO ...
Hey, let's take an excursion into surreality, otherwise know as my poetry :)
A little background about this #poem I've added to the #Blog #post ...
This #Poem is one I wrote just last Friday, a couple days after finding the PARK that you see in the TOP picture, which shows a really great VIEW of the city of San Francisco!!
I hope you like the message of the poem ...
and do try to listen for the rhythm of the #poetry...
Can you hear and catch the tempo as you read ~~ 1 2 3 4 5 & 1 2 3 4 5 &
Of course, then if you feel like adding a comment, that's GREAT too. I really like to hear that first impression... the unfiltered version is fine. I can take it.
Tell me what you'd like to hear more of too.
This has been a long journey of pain and #suffering, and if this blog can help anyone with what you're going through, that's really my aim. Even if it's just a smile, or if, God willing, you receive the greatest #Insight ever, WOW, that would be awesome ...
Here's a great phrase I learned from a mentor:
You've got to be happy with yourself, 'cause you're the only person you'll ever have to live with!!
Just ponder that for a minute...
With that in mind ...
don't forget the cadence:
1 2 3 4 5 &
1 2 3 4 5 &
So here you go . . . .
What You Gonna Do If You're Curious?
By Wylie Linquist 2017 Of course, what did you expect... yes, All Rights Reserved :)
Dancing with the Devil, Demons everywhere
who gives a shit, who really cares...
When the lights go down, & you can NOT see
you looking at you, you looking at me...
what you gonna do, are you gonna pray...
What you gonna do, when forever seems near
the end's so close, all you feel is FEAR...
What you gonna do, when your nerves start to Tear
what you gonna do, when the Devil is There...
Are you gonna Pray, are you gonna Dance
are you gonna Care, will you be AWARE...
That the END is Clear, that the END is HERE
that the END is NEAR, that the END is Sheer...
if you taste the Fear, if you Trace YOUR Fear...
Comes at any moment like a flashlight, black & white, epiphany or insight
instantaneous, contemporaneous, to be ashamed of lust...
Cause Greed is NOT Good, it's not a matter of it should
but a matter Understood, if you care about your Soul...
it makes a Rock to Roll...
if you're curious, is it Time you knew...
Open up your mind, for that you Seek to Find
look for any clue, inspect, observe, experimental learning curve...
What you gonna do, in a lifetime NOW
if you don't learn how, like the milking of a cow...
like an origin and its locus, everywhere right here, sitting near so clear...
What you Gonna do, if you're Curious
no time like the present, so don't get furious, learning is luxurious...
What you Gonna do, if you're Curious
opening your heart first, your mind & your soul,
til you see & reach YOUR GOAL...
understand the Universe, but what about the Scars...
A cause & Effect, for every action a reaction
reach your destination, HOPE brings Satisfaction...
But some Don't care, some have Lost their way
blame others for the losing, not themselves for their Choosing...
But the mirror is Clear, if you Open your eyes
if NOT you'll disguise, the Devil's set of Lies...
The Sound of the details, the timing of a cough,
on the rails . . . . or OFF...
will you keep your mind's eye open, accept True Loves Devotion
the honor of obedience, OR giving INTO expedience...
The either OR, of course That's something We've ALL Explored
in Youth's Exploration, maturation of MIND, BODY, SPIRIT
listening to your senses tell it, or ear to chest to Heart it...
Heart Beats, Repeating Tenor, timing tells the travelers tale
like a grandfather clock tones the hour,
a countenance like the winding, seeking not to fail...
that DUTY had been forsaken, in the tones late Dare...
What do we do, apologize & then repair
less we lose our DIGNITY & no longer CARE...
Results from a Demon's lips & a Devil's Snare
like Toasted Chestnuts, & sipping Wine after the Affair...
Yes someday perhaps forgotten, only NEVER IS FOREVER
& Only FORGIVENESS, which happens after Repentance, may clear the air...
But then, would you open your EYES & STARE
back at the MIRROR seemingly solitary standing there...
isn't it TIME to GROW . . . UP & DECLARE!!!
Time keeps Ticking, so if you're CURIOUS . . . it's TIME FOR PRAYER
-------------------------------------------------------
Thanks again to everyone for your support
during this time, as I await my next set of
#surgery on each knee.
I just saw the doctor last week or so, and the word is go on the
#KneeReconstruction Surgery. The scans/images show enough evidence
to do the surgery (of course my body/knees have been telling me
this for a few years now!), so I'll keep posting updates as progress
gets made towards surgery and hopefully, #recovery time too!!
Till next time, God Bless you and yours!!
As always, be true to yourself, and I'll do the same...
My name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL
Fyi, if you need a music break, or want to try to new tunes, check me out here:
WylieVibes
or
More WylieVibes :)
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