Perseverance and Pain: Inside and Out

HEY!
Thanks for taking the time to read my Blog.  I admit it was tougher than I anticipated it would be, to open up and share my experiences.  So I'd like to give thanks to all who continue to encourage me!!  I sure appreciate YOU!!

Ps.  Please enjoy a little WylieMuz groove in the background while you read: 
Reverbnation WylieFunk

And so ... here's another PainPAL installment:




Blog 2
Perseverance and Pain:  Inside and Out

It's been a trial to accept that I'm disabled, especially when doctors hold out hope that their surgeries will make me better.  Well, I've been disappointed before, with surgical failures and physical therapy setbacks.  Yet recently it occurred to me:  stop expecting anything from anyone, even yourself.  It's a funny thing Expectation, funny because I can disappoint myself when I expect something of myself and don't follow through (ick!).

Now that's INSIDE stuff (and honestly, thankfully, I've become a LOT less self-judgmental than I used to be)!  Increasingly I've come to learn more and more about the difference that exists between what is within, on our inside and that which is external, i.e. what's outside.  The internal and the external (sounds like the old movie title ' The Agony and the Ecstasy').  Even the idea of body, mind and spirit is esoteric to some, but because I've been living in Pain regularly for the past so many years, I've developed a heightened sense of what's really Inside, and what's Out.

I've decided that Pain is external to WHO I AM on the Inside.

Things like my thoughts, feelings, emotions ... love, happiness, joy, sadness, sorrow, despair ... that's all Inside 'stuff'.  So is Perseverance;  so too, acceptance, grieving, anger and hopelessness.  Yet when I experience Pain, whatever the level (depending on how much I walk or weight-bear), I've begun to see it like a signal that's outside myself ... like a stop light (usually red of course).  Perhaps a better metaphor is that Pain acts like waves upon a Ship at sea.

I'm the Ship, the waves act like Pain ... sometimes it's calm, but more often than not, the waves beat against the boat, at times seemingly out of wack, as if the tides are high.  Sometimes the waves are sporadic, going in and out rapidly, at other times it's like a tidal wave, sometimes the water vanishes like when my knee buckles from pain ... regardless, here I am, the Ship, being rocked about, up and down, slammed, relentlessly beaten, sometimes to the point of being capsized.  That's why the phrase, 'I'm at the end of my rope' or 'I'm hanging in there' actually has a literal meaning for me.

Through it all, I've learned that as you run out of patience, what you have left (perhaps all you have left) is perseverance (and Faith too, if you're God fearing).  I never thought of myself as having much patience, but when you begin to experience Pain daily, you're forced to adapt, and then have to manage your life differently (a job in and of itself -- one I'd ask of no one).

Each and EVERY day demands a set of actions (and not your typical normal lifestyle) just to keep going.  At times, the daily demands of disability feel more like a trial, and Perseverance and Faith become even more important.  Much of my time seems devoted to managing to staying afloat (when patience is the key), dealing with the Pain and consequences.  At the least, I've finally recognized that I can't stop the waves ... because they're Outside me.  I can choose however, how I handle them Internally, by learning to manage myself and my actions, with patience and resilience.

Hopefully, as the disability continues, it'll help me grow in character and spiritual maturity, and I'll find myself making positive progress towards my Hopes, Goals and Dreams.


Till next time ...
my name is Wylie, and I'm your PainPAL